Hello,
It's a little difficult to open up a little, but I have been having a rough time for the last six months and I notice I feel somewhat better after talking about it. Today marks 6 months since I had an accident ... I cut off a couple fingers and the most amazing surgeon reattached them for me. It's hard to imagine the shock. I still can hardly bare to think about it. I was about to host a house-warming party. I was tired from a long night cooking. I still needed to do a gardening chore. I was hasty, clumsy, and for a few seconds I did not think, and suddenly I was hurt.
After my surgery I don't think I have been the same as I was. I was told I will never heal and may need further surgery in the future. For now, I am slowly regaining function and the pain is mostly gone. Rather carefree before, I have difficulty coping with stress and a feeling of guilt. I have had to use only my left hand for a few months. I am using my right hand now, avoiding the use of my hurt fingers. Playing piano was my passion, and now I carefully play simple tunes, hoping I may heal and be normal yet again within the next six months.
First of all I am having a hard time dealing with a feeling of guilt. The student health care I had was good 4 years ago, but apparently the Obama changes have hollowed my insurance while doubling my premiums. Unaware of those changes, I have racked up a large debt. Three years of high monthly bills is what it takes. I am working a second job just to cover those expenses. I have less energy, less time, and less money to spend with my wife. She, on the other hand, is working harder too to reduce the stress on me. I can tell she has struggled a lot, and I feel so guilty. My parents offered to help financially, and I cannot accept, because I feel like me working harder for the next three years is necessary to "right my wrong".
Secondly, I am not coping with stress. I can't deal with traffic congestion. I find myself staring at my screen when I should do work, unable to get started. I need longer breaks to calm down after doing things that seem so intensive now. I worry a lot now. I get reminded about my accident - a lot! Every week, the companies resend me the updated bills. I make steady payments, but my ambulance company sent the account to a collection agency. I don't want to deal with them, but they call me twice a day. And I can't deal with them, I was making steady payments so legally they had no right put me in collections. Because of all that, I can't let this go.
Thankfully I have people that care about me, that offer their support. I have been told to talk to a psychologist. I really don't want to, but I promised I will next week. I am still hoping to make peace with myself, accept that my accident does not mean I have to torture myself for a long time to come. I want things to be as they were before.
Thank you for listening.