Seems to be divided between three characters for me. Amaria, Zero and Aya are all pretty damn relatable and remind me of different parts of my life.
Now, nobody on Reborn has known me long enough to have experienced me like this, but Zero's behavior is a pretty good representation of what I was like before I had my breakdown. I was the whole package: impulsive, uncooperative, couldn't get along with people for shit, never took blame for my mistakes, and even the people who did like me regularly had to tell me "hey, don't insult me" and "you can't always have it your way" and "don't take your mood out on us!".
The slightest sign of stress was enough to turn me into a complaining, frustrated jerk.
I believe a huge deal of the sympathy I have for this character stems from the fact that I know what it's like to be like that and not realize just how bad it is until a traumatizing change occurs and shakes me up to the core. (Complete with losing people I depended on.)
Though on a scale from Zero to Aya, I dealt with "How do you take feeling abandoned in a bad environment" more like Aya. The more my behavior caused me to drive people away and shit to go wrong in my life, the more I felt like perhaps I was just a fundamentally unlikable person, and that I was doing people a favor by turning them away from me.
Like Aya I didn't have the most wholesome home situation, and between the constant conflict with my parents and the deterioration of relationships, I was left with absolutely no self-worth and no optimism that things could improve from there on. I couldn't imagine for the life of me why anyone would bother with me (be it in private or professionally), and expected that everyone who did would surely end up regretting it. Where I had formerly taken my moods out on others, I turned against myself completely, treating myself harshly over any mistake (real or perceived) I made.
It's best if I don't go into the details, let's just say that I ultimately ended up on the psych ward.
That's where I got my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and severe depression, and began therapy. I can thankfully say that it helped me a ton. It was a much, much needed intervention just in time.
There's a certain bitterness in knowing I had been in need of help for years - but still, finding out that I'm not actually a shitty person, and that much of what happened had been beyond my control, was the biggest relief in the world to me.
Except... no amount of realizations and self-reflection make the actual process of change easy. And I guess that brings me to Amy.
I don't want to talk about this as much because it's an ongoing thing. What I'll say is that there's a vast disconnect between what I know, rationally, and what I feel.
And that's what she put into words in her onyx diary: "I have lots of friends, an amazing partner, a great education and life... But it doesn't feel like it."
"I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always drowning."
All this progress, but I still wake up every morning dreading existence so much that I feel physically sick. It takes enormous effort to convince myself that if I just keep going on, I'll experience a first good morning one day.