Code: PIRULUK

@Hukuna What you did best: Yum. This reads like a free verse poem with a great narration. I read it out loud, and it sounds exactly like something I'd hear at a poetry slam. And I mean that in a good way. It has a good use of sentential length, and contains an inherent rhythm, that compels readers to keep reading. Very good use of imagery, and a high level of consistent symbolism runs throughout the piece, which lends it a nice cadence and overall adds to the presentation. What you did terribly: That singular use of "Eh" in the second-to-last paragraph. SADASJKHFDASDJFEASHFUDASHFD. It totally broke the rhythm for me, and I found myself struggling to read after that. It feels so out of place, especially since it's an expression of apathy when from the context of the paragraph it should be an expression of resolve. Also, while you employ plentiful symbolism in the piece, I find the explanation of the symbols detracts from the effect. For instance, when you specify that your sword is the lily and the quill is the Sunflower, I feel like it kind of ruins the effect. Also the fact that you specify the orchid and the protea are "a king and its queen" feels a bit superfluous; the image doesn't seem to add anything of value, and feels like it borders on purple prose. Finally, I feel like this piece would serve best as the prologue to an anthology of poems or short stories, but falls short as a standalone piece. As an introspective, independent piece, it falls out of the expectations of that medium; I feel like the Bard is talking to me, but I don't feel like he's saying anything of value. Basically, it feels like a rant, which treads the uneasy border between an introspective and expository piece, without falling into either, and that feels very strange to me.

Now, as creator of this thread and the spearhead of this initiative, it would be terrible form if I did not first subject myself to scrutiny. Therefore, here is the sample of one of my favorite pieces, hosted on this site. Graterras: The Maiden of Fire and Blood Again, remember. Critique based on these criteria: What I did best What I did terribly Now come at me! (pst Huk soz for double post but I thought it would be stylistically better to leave my own post out of the OP)

Hi all! I'm here to bring yet another idea I had that will likely die out from lack of participation like all the rest (QQ) So I've been thinking, and it struck me that every writer will tend to specialise. In the sense that every writer will have one aspect of their writing which is very good, which they excel at. Similarly, every writer has aspects of their writing which they are... not so good at. (common sense I know. Sorry if I'm slow :x ) That said, trying to identify one's own strengths and weaknesses often proves a frustrating - and usually ineffective - task. Our self-judgments are coloured by our prior perceptions, be they positive or negative, and therefore are inaccurate representations of our true abilities. The best way to do facilitate this is through peer review. Therefore, this thread exists for you to judge and in turn be judged by others. How this thread works is that you'll post up a sample of your writing(in a spoiler, to prevent clutter, and only one piece per submission, so make sure to pick your best). This can be a poem, a oneshot, an RP post, or a part of an ongoing story. Other members will read the piece of writing you have submitted for review and evaluate it, according to these simple two questions: -What you did best -What you did terribly People who take the time to evaluate you will then post up their own writing, and you will evaluate them in turn using the same two questions. Some ground rules: 1) Be strict. Coddling does nobody any good. 2) Be honest. This exercise is meaningless if the criticism provided is not honest criticism. 3) Be responsible. If someone evaluates you, make sure you return the favor. Writer collaboration and peer review is an exercise founded on mutual benefit. 4) Don't be afraid to be disrespectful of the writing. It's alright to call a person's writing "shit", provided you can explain the reason why it's "shit". Be reasonable and civil, but sometimes nothing serves as a better wake-up call than a violently-worded letter that explains in detail exactly why your quarter-dragon half-elf quarter-god Battle Mage with Archery Proficiencies is a walking heap of badly written wish fulfillment fantasies. 5) DO be respectful of people. Personal attacks are NOT condoned in this thread. Criticise the writing, criticise the writer's ability. But don't slam the writer as a person. 6) Don't be afraid to be subjective in your critique. It's also important for a writer to know how their work is subjectively regarded by different people, it helps them understand the demographic of their work better. Alright, with that, I hope this initiative stays alive (one can dream, right? ;A;), and hopefully, this idea will help us all improve as writers.

Uhhhh I don't think "irkedness" is a word, K_H.

Sounds like Mommo's awakening to her inner lesbian~ Ufufu~ Let the corruption commence~

Kagari smiled weakly. "That's more than enough." Pushing with whatever strength she could muster against the ground and against Hiroki's shoulder, Kagari slowly stood up. Leaning heavily against Hiroki, She slowly began to walk towards the teleporter, with Hiroki's support. Kagari kept walking this way until they reached her bedside, where she allowed herself to roll off the shoulder of the smaller girl and onto the surface of the bed. She spoke, in a soft voice, almost too soft to hear, "Thanks... Sorry for... causing this much... trouble..." Then she closed her eyes and drifted to fitful sleep, shivering due to the fever, cold sweat soaking her body.

Struggling, Kagari tried to force herself up on one elbow, but it gave way. Damn! To think that this would happen again, at such a bad time. Kagari would have gnashed her teeth in frustration had she not busy panting. She reached out and weakly grabbed Hiroki's sleeve. "I'll... be fine... it's... normal... just need... to rest a while... room..." Her hand fell back to the ground as her breathing became staggered from the effort, the heat of her ailment burning up her face.

Kagari smiled weakly at Hiroki, her panting interrupting her statement every few words. It was getting hard to think. "You need... to be more confident... in yourself...No one...will make jokes if... you kick their ass... in a giant... robot..." Her last word trailing off, Kagari slid off the chair and collapsed to the floor, panting, the fever wracking her body. Cold sweat beaded on her forehead as she lay there, unable to muster the strength to get up. How pathetic...

Kagari could not resist a smile as Hiroki's eyes flitted around cutely. The girl was too adorable. "Eh? I don't think your appearance has anything to do with mech battles though. Look at your track record. Anyone who makes fun of you when you have that kind of performance record is a fool." Kagari paused to catch her breath. As the heat in her body got hotter, it was getting hard to breathe. She subtly clenched the edge of her chair, keeping her expression gentle and concerned. She chided herself. Was her self-control this weak? She forced a smile at Hiroki. "Who would really think a little girl would be good at something like this, you say. Wouldn't it be that much more satisfying to prove them wrong? All you're doing by hiding is making their position that much stronger. The battlefield is the place where souls clash. I think it's okay for you to just...be...you..." The last words of her sentence were interspersed with pants that inadvertently escaped her mouth, causing it to be broken up.

After several moments of silence, Kagari spoke up, trying to probe a bit. "So, Hiroki... you seem to be really conscious of your height. I mean, going as far as to hide it with a cloak. And you don't really see voice changers really often. You seem... a bit insecure, if you'll pardon my rudeness. Is there a reason why?" Realising she might be coming on a little strong, she rapidly shook her head and added, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to! I just... felt like asking, I guess." As Kagari awaited a reply, she uncomfortably tugged at her partially unbuttoned shirt. Though she had resolved to control her lust, her body was still flushed with heat. She held back a self-derisive smile as she watched Hiroki's reaction.

"And I'm Koizumi Kagari. A pleasure to make your acquaintance." Smiling, Kagari took the seat next to where Hiroki had been seated, then gestured at the vacant seat. The usual lust that overtook her when she was in the presence of a loli was nowhere to be found, leaving an aching desire to know more about Hiroki. She smiled wryly. It wasn't like her to be this in control. Then again, she hadn't really been acting like herself for the last few minutes. Not since she had set eyes on Hiroki's unmasked form. It was odd, but... it felt nice.

Kagari watched as the girl's hand wavered, then reached out and grabbed it, pulling her to her feet. She maintained eye contact with the girl as she spoke. "I try not to make jokes. I'm not very good at them. I don't know you. I don't know who you are, I don't know where you're from, I don't know what caused you to become so bitter. I don't even know your name. But despite all that I don't know, I do know that my heart has been racing for the past few minutes, and every nerve in my body is telling me that I'm in love with you. I don't know why. Perhaps I loved a girl like you in a past life?" She paused top indulge in a self-derisive giggle. "Like I said, I'm not very good at jokes." Seeing the girl look so vulnerable, it took all Kagari had to hold herself back from hugging the girl tightly. But that was not what the girl would want. Instead, she held her at arms' length and stared even more intensely into her eyes, her gaze unwavering. "This isn't a joke. And I don't ask that you give me an answer. Not right now, in any case. But I do wish for your friendship, and your name."

Kagari blinked in surprise as the loli threw herself out of her chair. As the cloak fell away, revealing her girlish clothes, Kagari let out a soft sigh as her mental suspicions were confirmed. The girl was truly a loli among lolis. Such... beauty. Such... perfection. At that moment, her world inverted. Here was the perfect beauty, the perfect girl, the perfect loli, the ideal after which she had chased for so long! All culminating in this one girl, before her. As the girl's face tinged bright red, blushing in embarrassment, Kagari had to suppress a squeal. Though she had to wonder why the girl displayed such a pained expression. It was surely a shame for such a wonderful face to be coloured by such a sad look. She walked over to the girl who was struggling to get up, then took the girl's delicate chin in the slender fingers of her right hand, tilting it upwards to face her, gazing into her purple eyes. Such brilliant eyes. Such wonderful eyes. She locked eyes with the girl, holding her gaze, and spoke her heart. Her face was honest and sincere, with none of its prior seductive charm. "I don't know what you're talking about. I always take beautiful lolis like you seriously. You could say they're the one thing I do take seriously. I'm being deathly serious right now. Even if I'm never serious at all about fights, about battles, about anything. I'm serious. Right now. And I'm seriously telling you, that I've seriously fallen in love with you." Kagari pulled back, releasing the girl's chin. She held out her hand, offering her assistance to help the girl back to her feet. A warm smile graced her lips as she offered her friendship.

The moment the cloaked figure's high-pitched voice tickled Kagari's ear, she grinned in triumph. "Gotcha. Can't fool my ears with a voice like that. You're a loli, for sure. A cute one, at that. Can't deceive these two." As she spoke, she rubbed her twin breasts against the cloaked figure's back. She reached around the figure and cupped its chin with her right hand, bringing its ear closer to her mouth as she whispered. "This build. This height. Such. Perfect. Beauty. Though... I have to wonder. Why hide the glorious perfection that is your true appearance?" As she spoke, she continued to stroke the figure's masked chin seductively.

Purity Rein felt an electric tingle along her spine as Kallisto lifted her up by her neck. As she ascended, she caught a brief glace of the Goddess' face, seeing a hint of revel in her otherwise stoic expression. As she flew, her head bumping against the table, heat flushed through her body, causing her to inadvertently release a soft moan. That look in Kallito's eyes... That... sadistic tinge...Rein shivered and started to drool. She had found...the one. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Kallisto was the one she had been awaiting. She would follow her Goddess to the ends of time. The conviction sent shudders through her as she curled up, panting in excitement.

Do something Characterising Involving another Loli Kagari stretched, catlike, as she tried to decide which car to pick. The memory of her extensive session with Mommo lingered sweetly in her mind, causing her to lick her lips. Her body started heating up, and she contemplated trying to find out where Mommo was and continuing her ministrations. She had, after all, been ultimately unable to properly fulfill her promise to make Mommo unable to live without the taste of Kagari's body. As she resolved to do this, however, her plans were changed by an unexpected tug. To be exact, two unexpected tugs. Her breasts were currently straining against the confines of her shirt, pointing vigorously at the food car. Kagari smiled and stroked the top of her breasts slowly through the gap in her half-buttoned shirt to calm the raging twin beasts as she entered the food car. The first thing she saw was the cloaked figure, eating while attempting - and failing - to make themself look less conspicuous. Kagari's breasts tingled in excitement and confirmation when she pointed them in the general direction of the cloaked figure, causing Kagari's slight smile to split into a full predatory grin. Silently walking up to the cloaked figure, she threw her hands around the person and pressed her breasts against the figure's back, whispering into their ear: "Hello there, little loli. I~ Found~ You~"

@Bfrogr, I didn't have the time to post D: Assume that whatever Kagari did to Mommo was so unchaste and sexually deviant that the whole thing had to be censored. (She would have prioritised making Mommo feel good though, she loves breaking in the inexperienced ones)

This poem is 3deep5me Acqui-chan does not understand desu! <insert kawaii head tilt> Okay jokes aside, I'll refrain from critique because honestly I am shit at poetry, especially free verse. There are a few things I feel you could have done to take advantage of thr form, like placing the enjambment before "actor" rather than before "an", but that's mostly subjective stylistic suggestions so...

*unsubtly points at ARTS* Well, one issue I see here is plot. Do you have a plot in mind or is it mainly a character-focused RP? Because clearly, the latter does not do well on this forum.