Wow you are actually 18 months younger than me. Now that's a surprise.
You know, I actually disagree. I read you talk about the times when you wanted to end your life, and I read comment by people who discuss what makes a life "worth living", and I disagree. Because you see, the fact is that we humans are a disgraced race: we have dreams, emotions, expectations, desires, we don't just live, we feel that we are alive and we understand that we are alive. And that is our main problem.
Every morning a lion and a gazelle wake up, and the gazelle knows it has to outrun the lion to stay alive, and the lion knows it has to outrun the gazelle to eat. But neither of them questions whether or not this is fair. Neither of them wastes time wondering about the average life expectation of their respective species. And the other gazelles won't blame the lion for slaughtering their companion, and the lion's cubs won't blame the gazelle for outrunning their parent thus condemning them all to starvation. They don't think about life. A great poet of my country, Giacomo Leopardi, states that because of this animals are substantially happier than humans.
But I diagree with that too. I mean, we are here talking about life: you have suffered, you have looked for a purpose, you have struggled to find a reason, you have nearly lost yourself and ended your life, and now you are here. You, who carry this burden of sufferings, doubts, depression, and self-destructing thoughts, are here. And I, a guy haunted painful memories of 18 years of bullying, a guy who just cannot have a healthy relationship with his parents, a guy with a heart condition and without the ability of letting go of a "love story" that ended over a year ago, I am also here. And Hukuna who hates to be touched, he is also here, And star-kin who is cute but emotionless is also here. And Nan who wants to leave her country. And Nova whose ideas are too big and too complex for his own good. And Alexus who picked her own name. And Dobby who was friendzoned, and Chimchain who has issues with his dad, and Zim who is too lazy to turn his immense talent into something productive, and Zumi who has a messed up sleep schedule, we are all here, we all carry our crosses, big or small, serious or silly, and we struggle and we press on and we cry and we laugh and we carry our burden from the cradle to the grave, as the aforementioned poet would say. But along the way, we just happened to share a part of the path. And as a result, we are here.
But has any of you tried to enjoy the view? I mean sure, we carry our burden from the cradle to the grave, but the road in between is not in a barren land. Have you tried to look around, take a photo in front of the sunset, breathe in the twilight air, and just enjoy the moment, instead of, you know, focusing only on the fact that this path inevitably leads to the grave and we are dommed to walk it? We talk about looking for a purpose in life, we talk about giving it a sense, but isn't the mere fact that we are trying, isn't the search itself something worth living for? As you keep on searching, you meet people. Good people. Bad people. People who love you, people who hate you, people who want to rape and kill you, people who want to support you, people who just don't give a damn. Isn't the mere act of discerning the various kinds a big enough thrill? A deep enough experience?
You might never find your purpose, you might realize what the sense of your life was only as you close your eyes for the last time, but for the love of God (who I still think gave us this life, and the intelligence to talk about it this way, for a damn good reason) keep on looking for it. Because in my opinion, looking for a purpose is itself a purpose, wanting it to be worth living MAKES it worth living and no matter what your troubles are and who you are running from (be them rapists or bullies), there is always that one place where you can stop, relax, and enjoy the view. And the people who happen to be there, they also were lead there by their respective paths, by their respective experiences, positive or negative: the mere fact that this project happened and we got to meet one another is all the thrill, all the mystery, all the intrigue I need to give flavor to my life. The mere fact that we are here, that we bumped into this hotel along our respective ways, and as we decided to stay for a while we got to meet each other, that is a small, simple, but oh so fascinating, oh so touching, oh so beautiful mystery.
And you, you are not jut another guest of this hotel. You fucking built the house for crying out loud, you made it possible. There are tons of fangames released in topics of pokemoncommunity, those are nothing but games. But Reborn is not a game, heck I don't even play it, and I am willing to bet I am not the only one. What kept me here is something else, something deeper, something more important, something that YOU made possible.
So guess what? That makes you a rolemodel. You are a depressed trans who is supposed to be dead by now, and you are a fucking rolemodel. There are LEGIONS of people out there who wouldn't even sit close to you in the train in real life, there are people who would be punished by their parents for hanging around with you, and there are people like me, who would be bullied fiercely by their peers for befriending you (remember when I mentioned having a gay friend? Well, that was the tombstone on my relationship with the townspeople of my hometown... But this is a story for another day). And you know what? In a twist that only exemplifies the magic of life I was talking about earlier, they are all peons at the court of Queen Ame. You inspire all of them. You lead them by example. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that my leader, my inspiration, my rolemodel, my fucking QUEEN is a goddamn depressed trans, and I am fucking proud of it. I am fucking proud of calling myself an Amethyst guy, and I wouldn't want anybody else as the person I look up to.
Happy birthday Ame. You should learn to be as proud of yourelf as I am proud of you.