I need help.

[RedAlert]

I didn't trust my friends with this since it was a really feely and delicate matter for me, so I'll put it out here

 

So I met this girl the other day, found her very pretty and as luck would have had it, she texted me first and with carrying conversations I subtly asked her if we could hang out. She invited me over to her place, but i was too nervous to do much as I was in a relationship for a couple years and just got out and had no idea how to make moves. So we ended up just listening to music and I took her out to dinner. We did talk about stuff throughout and she did laugh a bit at my silly little jokes, but when I dropped her back she just gave me a weak little side hug and went back home.

 

I texted her the next morning and I was severely depressed throughout the day and I was sure she wouldn't reply but she texted me

Spoiler

"[3/10, 10:56] Hey
[3/10, 10:56] I had fun too!
[3/10, 10:56] Sorry got caught up with work yesterday

 

to which I responded with another stupid, selfloathing message to which she has seen but not replied for 10+ hours or so.

 

The worst part is I had a really nice idea right after i sent that text: she mentioned she loved nature and traveling and there's this really nice isolated area we can trek to and see part of the whole college. She doesn't go out much since she doesn't have a motorbike or car and it's the perfect place where I can be less nervous since it involves some physical activity and get closer to her.

 

But how do I message her this is my question, she hasn't even replied to my earlier message, and doesn't it come across as creepy if I text her again in the span of a couple hours without her texting? Right now I've planned to wait till Monday and text her something like " oh, and BTW, I had a cool idea I think you'd like..."

 

Ugh, I feel like a teen who's drowned in extreme angst, I can't stop thinking about her, I don't have the appetite for food anymore and I'm checking my phone repeatedly every 30 seconds. I really thought that I had matured out of this, but I clearly haven't and would dearly appreciate any sort of advice.

 

Thanks a lot!

Edited March 11, 2018 by RedAlert

[Candy]

If it were me I'd wait for longer, like 2 days and then be like, oh btw would you like to go to so-and-so??

[RedAlert]

10 minutes ago, Candy said:

If it were me I'd wait for longer, like 2 days and then be like, oh btw would you like to go to so-and-so??

That sounds reasonable but I have the emotional stability of a 12 year old schoolgirl at this point and waiting for that long is agonizing...

But I guess it's for the best. Tuesday then

[Walpurgis]

For what you tell I think she might like you. Some jokes and comments are just hard to answer to, especially if you don't have a certain level of trust, so don't worry about the lack of response, it's probably fine. I also think that as long as you don't say anything overly clingy or that asks for too much compromise there is no reason for her to think that you are creepy or anything bad, but I agree that waiting a little wouldn't be bad.

29 minutes ago, RedAlert said:

and text her something like " oh, and BTW, I had a cool idea I think you'd like..."

 

This is more a personal opinion, but when you present that idea I think that instead of directly throwing it at her just like that you should maybe start the conversation in more of an informal way like "hey, how has your weekend been?" to not overwhelm her.

 

Good luck!

[Corso]

Uhm I'm not an expert on these situations (never been in a relationship and I haven't revealed my feelings to "someone" yet, after 3 years) but I think I can understand how you feel. I don't have any practical advice to give you, so I'll just say that I'm rooting for you with all my heart. I hope this helps.

[Caimie]

1 hour ago, RedAlert said:

 

We did talk about stuff throughout and she did laugh a bit at my silly little jokes, but when I dropped her back she just gave me a weak little side hug and went back home.

 

 

I almost never kiss on the first date so i wouldn't worry too much about that i guess!!

[BandorKitty]

Your plan of waiting a few days is a good one, don't try to force her to talk to you. Not replying doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk to you, it could be her way of signalling "this is the end of the conversation for now, talk to you later", but it could also mean that she doesn't know how to reply to the "self-loathing" message you sent her. Different people have different social cues. Give her some space, first and foremost. You've only just met after all. 

 

When you want to ask her out again, don't start with "Oh, hey, want to do this together?", start with something like "Hey, how are you?". Have a conversation first. You don't want to come on too strong and put her on the spot, or seem desperate for her attention. 

 

Honestly, I think you're worrying about it too much. In the meantime, try distracting yourself, or force yourself to stop checking your phone every few minutes. It's only going to stress you out.

 

Hope it goes well. Good luck!  

[Daniel Blackworth]

First thing, I'm rooting for you too!

 

Also, I think the casual thing suggested by Lia works. You could say for how she's doing and talk about some other topics before asking her out if she'd like to go to that isolated area with you

[....]

Just her being wanted to be alone with you  off the bat is enough evidence she has interest in you ~

 

So don't worry~

My only advice is Don't get impatient,text her when you feel good~~

Edited March 11, 2018 by Thundermaze

[Dragoknight]

Uh, I can't say I have  any real experience with dating so I'm not sure I can help too much.

My best advice though would be to try to not be too overbearing and just be you.

I mean, she seems interested in you to start, so that's definitely a sign that things are working.

 

Best of luck to ya buddy, I'm rootin' for ya!  

Edited March 11, 2018 by Dragoknight

[RedAlert]

First of all, thank you so much for your comments - it may seem like a small thing for you guys, but when you're experiencing something like this yourself you'll get how a little assurance can really calm you down. You're all wonderful people and I'll stop here before I get cheesy

 

DISCLAIMER: I know, I'm overthinking

 

Thing is, I went over that day just for sex but when we started talking I found her to be really honest and down-to-earth, and full of very endearing and enamoring qualities. So I didn't want to make a move that may have creeped her out and that made me a lot more nervous than I usually am.

 

Quote button isn't working, unfortunately

@walpurgis You are probably correct but if I have to wait for 24 hours for one message from her it'll take me forever to explain the whole thing. How do I get through with that and hold her interest? Because I sent her a message asking how her party was (she had one after our date) and she hasn't replied yet.

@Caimie but she invited me over in the span of 10 minutes of texting at 10 PM... it seemed to my friends like it was a clear invitation to sex. I ended up passing out on the stairs that night so that they wouldn't make fun of me for not finishing the game

@BandorKitty I've replied to walpurgis about the same thing, asking her how she just seems to further away the conversation, especially since she's barely replying to my messages

Now comes the bad part, about that self-loathing part I mentioned? I usually use self-deprecating jokes just to ease the atmosphere a bit, it's what got me through high school unscathed. Also, I haven't opened my laptop for the past 3 DAYS I HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED REBORN THAT'S HOW MUCH I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER

Anyways, my messages to her (the ones she's not replied yet to) are:
 

Spoiler

 

"And here I thought I came off as irredeemably unattractive..."

"I do hope you liked it, [insert place I took her too] was a lot more crowded than I remember it used to be"

"How was the party?

 

 

Yeah, that looks pretty bad, doesn't it?

 

@Thundermaze I feel like I've fucked up majorly with this. What makes me feel worse about the whole thing is that she texted me very frequently before we met up and seemed very interested. I just feel like she's lost interest and I just want to get that interest back...

[NickCrash]

I was going to ask about it, but you opened up more.

 

Since you no longer just want sex, the direct approach that could pressure her sends the wrong message.

She appears to be having a good time with you and wants to keep that. I suppose so do you.

Therefore, being casual is the most practical way to approach her.

 

The self-loathing message was a mistake. You want her to enjoy your time together, and that's not possible if she starts to pity you.

You'd want her to know the real you, so don't bother trying to create a facade that covers up your insecurities. Make her feel comfortable around you. If she interprets your messages as an attempt to control her free time by not caring about talking to each other, she will close in. I believe that getting straight to the point (to meet and have any kind of activity) in your early conversations may halt this procedure to the point of you appearing creepy. If you no longer want to just have sex with her, place yourself in her shoes.

 

If you get out together, I suggest being honest with her. I would make a shy fool out of myself, explaining that I really like her, and that's the reason some of my messages appeared a bit too weird (uncomfortable laugh). It was just a way to approach her without seeming too clingy or w/e. 

Everyone has their style of flirting, but you ought to bring your b-game (if too nervous for the a-game) in your next encounter.

[RedAlert]

@NickCrash But but but... Self deprecating humor is my defense/coping mechanism

No I am not LogANG you know

 

Anyways I feel like she might have taken the last message in a wrong or criticizing way at this point (or is just extremely busy) because she still hasn't responded. I haven't texted her back (hardest 40~ hours of my life) so that's the good news for now

Also, pretty office lady who has always ignored me up till now is coming on strong. Life reaaaally likes to fuck with you in the worst way possible

 

I'm planning to text her in the evening tomorrow after work, with a meme and a slight amount of teasing, none too offensive. That should hopefully prompt her to respond in a pleasant light and if she doesn't, I guess I should just ask her directly if she wants to see me again, after waiting for a week. If not, I move on, I suppose.

[GenEric]

that joke is the last thing you messaged right?

just straight up tell her that kind of humor is how you cope

honesty works wonders

[NickCrash]

Better call her. Woo her with your voice.

[RedAlert]

@ArcherEric Maybe later. Explaining how my brain works to her just based on the assumption that she's turned off by the last message doesn't seem like the best thing to do.

 

@NickCrash you have the best ideas you know? +1 for that, really

I'm highly considering it but I hope she just doesn't block me outright xD

I will think about it though... I had a really funny meme for something she mentioned too. Dilemmas, lol

[RedAlert]

Double post but I ended up calling her.

 

Yeah I probably didn't heed all of your advice but it turned out you guys were right... She had some sort of thesis to submit today and she had a lot of rejections and resubmissions which were apparently common in her college.

 

I ended up asking her out straight away (after a brief conversation with how her life was), which might have been a bad move on my part, but I wanted to end the whole schoolkid drama of "would she/should I". So I pretty much just straight up asked her about it on a Sunday two weeks from now. She said she didn't have anything in mind yet and she'd tell me if something came up. Now I don't know if this is some sort of implication to say she's not interested, but it works for me - if she never calls or texts I think I'll get over her with time and move on. (Or, I might call her and say I can't make it the day before. Supply and demand, muchacha 8) )

 

In the meantime I'll just hit on other girls. Do I appear shallow about this? I hope not. I just don't want to waste my time pining and longing for someone who doesn't have time for me, and sometimes this works.

 

So girls,

Edited March 13, 2018 by RedAlert

[BandorKitty]

Good on you!  Doing this is the right decision as you have to keep your options open. Setting the date far ahead of time gives both of you time to decide if this is what you really want. It can also give you time to get her off your mind, and if she ends up calling you back, you'll have a new perspective on how you feel about her. It could be good, or it could be bad, but only time will tell.

[RedAlert]

@BandorKitty tbh I didn't expect positive feedback like that... I thought most people would think I'm stupid for throwing away something like this

I'm glad you agree!

[....]

You are not in relationship or something,so don't feel sorry or shallow,

 

I'd say don't call her like that off the bat,(because it could backfire so easly),but it turned out better it seems,

 

Maybe in the end you had the better judgment,

 

Don't think too much into it,

 

But if you gonna hit on other girls,do not let her find out at any cost,if you want to have chance with her(be it for sex or relationship)~

Edited March 13, 2018 by Thundermaze

[RedAlert]

@Thundermaze thank you kindly for your input. But the reason I mentioned hitting on them was more for my personal self-esteem than actually having some sort of hidden agenda to sleep with them. But of course, it's best if she doesn't know that because she doesn't know my intentions.

 

In any case, I had some rather interesting results in the past couple hours: I texted girls I had been crazy about in the past and just talked to them and what they were doing with their lives. What started as a completely selfish motive to feel better about myself turned into genuine interest and concern in their lives, which itself eventually led to me texting some close friends of mine that had drifted away. The fact that I was able to treat them like actual fucking human beings actually as opposed to goddesses really made a lot of difference, they were much easier to talk to, and there was no sort of wall they built up when they usually do when they talk to you if they know you're stalking them. Of course there were a few that I had irreconcilable differences with, but some of them even asked me we should hang out again sometime without me needing to do it. There was this one particular girl that I was largely obsessed with to a greater part of my life, who never really seemed to consider my existence (imo) who texted me 4 messages for every one of mine.

 

So the intention here is not to brag about the ladies-man I've become in the past 5 hours (I've really not, LMAO), but I just wanted to share this (it seems like a rather short span of time to actually call it life-changing but still): If you have someone in your life that you really really want to talk to but can't for certain reasons, whether it be because you messed it up with them, sent them too many texts, upset them in a really bad way: it's not too late. Talk to people in your past you've had trouble with, chances are the feelings have died down because it's been a while, so you'll be able to look at the whole picture in a more composed manner. And it is this exact same manner with which you should approach whoever you have troubles with now, albeit after some time. What is especially great is that once you've talked to all these people in your past and apologized to them (or not if it's all good and in the past), it'll tune a natural good feeling in yourself and you'll no longer feel that level of obsession you had before. (I still want this girl very badly but it's to a lesser extent now and I feel like I have the patience to wait for her to have some free time)

 

Well, that was a pretty big load. I hope this helps you guys as much as it helped me. Thank you all

 

PS: I feel like I should change the title of this, really

[Corso]

I... don't even know why... but thank you... with all my heart... for sharing your experience

[RedAlert]

Haha

 

Let's be real though, I still have to rekindle that interest in her, it's not easy. Also I think this thread has received more attention than it deserves so I'll shut up

[RedAlert]

Red here with another rant, guys. Brace yourselves.

 

So I called her again, after a week's time. She was laughing a lot and seemed willing to talk to me, and I was able to hold a 10 minute phone call with her on just the topics of taking her out and about her life itself, I teased her somewhat and she teased me back. When I brought up a second date, she said she was fine with it but had an exam. It's scheduled on Sunday, she was like "I'm probably not gonna end up studying anyway, but I really should. I'll let you know, cool?" and that's when I gave her the option of calling me, and given her already low response rate, that seems like a bad idea because she might just end up not calling at all.

 

At this stage I feel like it's not worth it because she doesn't seem as invested in me as I am in her. Is she playing hard to get? Or maybe she just thinks I'm some guy trying to get into her pants? I've stopped deliberating over this and I plan to call her on Saturday night if she doesn't and asking her the deal. 

 

Yeah I'm too heavily into this. I don't think I'm meant for relationships because it seems like I'm pretty obsessive/needy for love and attention. And I'm getting too depressed about it despite trying to reason it out in my brain.

[RedAlert]

Well guys it didn't work out, sadly

I'm terrible at reading signs and the like but I think it was clear that she was not feeling me. No message for 2 weeks+ It's a pity because I enjoyed our time together, brief as it was, but nothing gained if it wasn't mutual. I deleted her number and conversation so that I wouldn't think about her and waste my time

 

Thanks for all your helpful advice.