Well, ill try this...
Not exactly that anything is wrong with me, it's just, my life is very good right now. Good grades in school, great friends, doing great in music, surrounded by people and family who support and love me; who could want more? Well, things this good always come with a catch: I can have a great life, but I have to keep my innermost feelings and thoughts on the inside. Whenever I try to tell someone why I'm sad or upset out of nowhere they either misinterpret it, pass it off as a 'phase' or tell me im being over dramatic and to not worry about. However, pushing my feelings downward has only caused more trouble. So I've resorted to wearing the false guise so everything runs smoothly. If everyone around me is happy, so am I. I've done this so much that lying is easy, and I hate it. I hate having to lie people I love and I hate having people tell me that I 'don't know' or understand what I'm going through. I don't need anybody to tell me that im vain, envious, manipulative, dishonest or shady, I know that and I've accepted who I am. Because people refuse to accept who I am, ive shutout my heart from an early age. So long that it has gotten to the point in which It can barely breath, making me sharp, indifferent and lazy; im losing my empathy. And yes, I know that everyone wants to feel free, free to say what their heart feels, free to live without secrets. Lately my heart has been opening up again and feelings I thought I had smothered and killed have come back to haunt me. They're causing problem that I don't need and they won't let me ignore them. Not even the normal treatment of music writing and poetry are helping. I just have to survive till high school is over atleast, I have to. I feel like I can't trust anyone else but me with these feelings. Like I'm hiking a trail with a backpack just like everyone else, except ive got a gash on my leg thats been festering and a disease that has been eating away at my body. But I still smile, shake hands, talk excitedly and pepper my speach with jubilance as to not be left behind to be ravaged by the wolves. I guess this is selfish of me, and i guess so many people are going and have already gone through this. I just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone. Just saying 'I understand' goes a long way sometimes, if only people knew...