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Sylvaret

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  1. I know this is totally out of the blue, but this is the last post I'll make here. Not that I was never really active here to begin with, so I doubt this will mean anything to anyone else here—it's something I'm doing solely for myself and my own closure. I want to start by saying that I've played through Reborn and most of its post-game, and recently started a new game to go for the Anna Smiles route this time (first time was Bad Z-Regular). I've also played through Desolation Ep.6, and I'm waiting till Rejuv v13.5 releases to finally dive into that as well. Since I'm a stickler for at least trying to keep posts/comments/writings/etc. relevant, that's really the main reason I feel compelled to make this post. It's also because there was at least one person from this community who legitimately tried to be friends with me, so I feel like they're owed the truth--not to mention my simply being here kind of mandates an explanation, too. Again, this is me following my own principles—nothing more, nothing less. -- Anyway...I've struggled with this community and its members ever since I joined like 3-4 years ago (honestly don't remember exactly when). It's not because of anything anyone here has said or done; honestly, I've kept people at a distance whenever possible even though some did try to reach me and make me feel welcome. Playing the Rebornverse games kinda makes this easier to explain, I think. A lot of the plot points and characters—their development and overall identities, and they individual struggles—have hit home for me, as someone who was born into severe trauma and never really learned about friendship, family, trust and support, or human connections. It also means I've never really known peace, comfort, or stability; likewise, I cannot “recover” from any of this because recovery and healing imply a state of wellness prior to trauma disrupting it. Bit hard to “recover” back to a state one has never actually experienced to begin with, you know? Without spoiling, Reborn's main antagonist is also someone who never knew “wellness.” Unfortunately, they came into power most could only ever dream of, and used that to basically pass on their own pain to the rest of the world. This is something I've fought to avoid, from the moment I was able to finally start living about 10 years ago. That was when I finally had an actual say in my circumstances, and the agency to do something about them. For some perspective, that was when I was 25. And 25 years is a long, long time to be trapped in a prison of abuse, suffering, exploitation, and the dark, ugly side of humanity. Reborn's antag, along with some of the main and supporting antagonists in Desolation, have been pretty validating to encounter. It's certainly not because I've followed the same path as them (not even a certain faction leader in Deso, who envisioned a world without strife), but because they stand at the end of paths I chose not to follow. The truth about each of these characters, their visions for their respective worlds, and the paths they choose to realize those visions, is that each of them effectively robbed everyone else of their own agency; their capacity to live their own lives and make their own contributions to the world at large, for better or worse. It is the same thing I suffered, too. In my case, I literally lost who I was and would've been—had my identity and individuality destroyed before I even had a chance to live. This came at the hands of people in positions of authority and trust—family members, doctors, school admins, law enforcement...people who were charged by duty with protecting very young children, yet instead used that to control my development in order to “mold” me into someone suitable for society. And, in fairness, I had a lot of serious issues as a child, mainly pertaining to emotional stability. I had many behavioral issues that often led to me to lash out pretty violently, so it's hard to blame anyone else for seeing me as a danger...but in retrospect, I'm all but certain this was due to things that affected me before I could remember anything. It didn't help that not a single person ever stopped to truly question why I was acting like I was, or consider that something might be seriously wrong—that I needed help. So...instead of being help, what I got was more abuse and suffering. I even recall times when I was punished for actively seeking help or protection—treated like nothing more than a “problem,” or that I was seeking attention, or not trying hard enough, and other such harmful nonsense. It would've been easy for me to go down a dark path as well. Had things played out even a tiny bit differently, I most likely would have—or I'd simply be dead. I'm only alive now, with my mind intact (so far as I can tell, anyway) because Nature stepped in and intervened where humanity failed me. It was pretty much an act of “motherly discipline,” so to speak—a spanking from the original “mother” for my own overconfidence, and arrogance, when I decided to camp out in the forest alone 8 years ago. It was the sort of think that'd land most people in the hospital, or kill them outright, so...I guess I was fortunate. I didn't realize it then, but I was given a second chance at life. Before then, I had nothing except the mistreatment of humans, and without that divine intervention, well...it's a bit unsettling to think of who I might've been. Probably no different from the Rebornverse antagonists, or one of those assholes in real life who use power, fame, and money to control everyone and everything around them. As much as I've screwed up, I've never wanted to be like those people. Better to help put an end to the cycle of suffering and abuse, right? ...But recently, I've come to realize that, because of my own developmental circumstances, I'm not really compatible with humans and their civilization as they are now. I come from what people call “the jungle,” a place that far too many think is lawless and chaotic, where everyone is only out for themselves—and I mean...yes, it's harsh, and brutal. But the lawlessness and chaos, and rampant selfishness? Those things are terribly pervasive and human civilization now, so I'm...having trouble comprehending the whole "lawless jungle" mentality. Societies everywhere reflect this, and rather than being “human nature,” I've noticed it's born from humans just...not living in the same world as everyone else. It's like a glass-dome existence, with most of humanity unable to learn from nature or the world around them, despite events that are all around them and literally in their faces each and every day. And, even though those events--natural disasters and such--are growing more frequent and severe, and more costly to humans and their civilization (and human lives), for whatever reason a lot of you guys just...aren't getting it. I cannot live in that sort of world. It's totally foreign to me, and the more I learn about and try to understand it, the less it makes sense to me--and the clearer it becomes that I'm never going to have a place there. It's taken me a while to figure out why I have trouble in every community I've tried being part of—this one included, needless to say. I've never really been comfortable around humans in any given circumstance, and for a while I thought it was indeed due to PTSD and my past experience. Even when members of any group tried to include me or make me feel welcome, I grappled with what's essentially a dysphoria (not gender dysphoria, mind you, but something that's probably very similar); likewise, while walking around in human cities or towns, I've just felt...alienated and displaced. There's always been this lingering dissonance, and no matter how hard I tried to integrate or contribute, or what angle I tried to approach from, I never could settle it. It's true that PTSD, or Complex PTSD, might be part of it, but it's also because of where I come from—how I had to take me development into my own hands and recreate myself and my identity, with nature and the wild as my proving ground, instead of humans and their civilization. So, put simply...I don't live in the same world as the rest of you. If anything I've been thrown back to a time when humans were hunter-gatherers, and just starting to develop the first concepts of “civilization,” I suppose. Before humans formed distinct cultures and nations, systems of faith and philosophy, and so on...that's where I am now. I'm pretty feral, you might say. Needless to say, there's no way any existing society or culture could possibly accommodate me. In fact, I've already had people tell me straight-up that what happened to me is impossible—conveniently forgetting that, sometimes, reality is stranger than fiction. I had that happened here in Reborn's community, too. But it's hard to be upset at anyone, because it's not like anyone can really do anything to help. Therapy and other such procures can do nothing, either—in the context of current medical science and general understanding of wellness and recovery, a “treatment” for me would entail going back in time to rewrite the events of my past, so that I'd have an actual state of wellness to “recover” back to—and so that my development wouldn't be violated as drastically and irreversibly as it has been. Yeah, I don't think I need to explain why that's never going to happen. It's why I've had to deep-dive into myself and my past to just...figure out what the hell happened to me and what I have to do going forward. Having said all of this, it's been really helpful to experience the Rebornverse games—the struggles of the many different characters involved, and the antagonists in particular. Seeing the choices these villains have made, and their reasoning, has helped me temper myself and my own perspective—and to never allow the dark side of human nature to take hold. And, of course, it helps that these characters, both good and evil, are actually well-written and soundly developed. So, thanks. I too am a writer; my forte, in case it isn't obvious, is autobiography. Putting the story of my life down in writing has helped me see the events of my past more clearly—and notice the “blanks” in the canvas of my journey. Since I've never had any real support from others, and humans in general just don't acknowledge who I actually am, I've had to do all of this alone. Reading my own CV, as well as the writing in all these Rebornverse game, also helped me to realize that, in order to contribute to humanity, I'd have to create my own place—to forgo things like citizenship and all the protections that come with it, in favor of creating systems that works specifically for me. Because, despite what many people say—things like “you need to work within society” and “if you don't like how things are, then go into law to change them”--these are all the wrong paths for someone like me. I cannot simply go in and mess with the world you guys live in, as it would endanger countless people. ..But honestly? Maybe this is exactly what humanity needs now. Maybe humans need a maverick, an outsider, to show them that this world—the real world, as it were—is one of infinite possibilities, and that "death and taxes" aren't the only certainties in life.. Maybe humanity needs a stray to show them what it means to coexist in harmony; how this entails pooling individual strengths while compensating each other's weaknesses. I mean, I know I'm not the only one who can say that the status quo and “how the world works” isn't actually working. As an outsider, I've already seen how “law” is something that, in its current form, can be manipulated by those in power to suit their own needs, regardless of the cost to everyone else, and even to the planet itself. I'm painfully aware of the influence of money—how it's become more important than wellness and life itself. I've seen how people are judged by their “monetary worth,” instead of their innate potential, their capacity to grow and improve, and any desire they have to use their own ability and talents for a good that is far greater than themselves. I've seen how in the end, this perpetuates the same kinds of trauma, suffering, and corruption that led to me being the metaphorical baby stuffed into a sack and abandoned in the jungle like some unwanted abomination. All of it, in my eyes, is wrong. It's unnatural, and completely divorced from the real world. And, while I appreciate the efforts made by the admins of this community, and many others, to keep a safe and healthy environment, the hard truth is that these safe spaces are microcosms of a world I can never truly be a part of. It is legitimately impossible, and there is nothing any of you can do to change that (believe me, I've tried countless times on my own, being as stubborn as I am). So, I'm going to leave you guys in peace. I'll still follow Rejuvenation and Desolation, but Reborn is not my space and never will be—same as any other community. I've already started brainstorming how to go about creating my own place and system, and how to ensure that it'll allow me to walk alongside the rest of you. If it means anything, I'm also thinking about how to not simply allow, but also encourage, the other existing nations and cultures to hold me accountable—because, y'know, to break away from established laws and standards and live by one's own require tremendous power. Real power. Power in its purest and most ultimate form: the kind that comes from within. The kind that, once realized, can never truly be taken away. The kind that is best utilized by lending it to others, that they might in turn realize their own true power. And, well...I'm tired of talking about this. Even if it's to explain my intentions, it doesn't mean anything without action to show for it. So, I've started contacting people who, whether due to their background or positions, might have some insight about this. I don't know what will happen, or if that's the right approach, but it's better than nothing. I guess to close out, I want to make use of a saying people throw around a lot, about “one's hand in life.” Most of what I hear is about being deal a “bad hand” in life, along with an incredibly small few are lucky enough to be dealt a straight royal flush (and they tend to be obnoxious in flaunting it, from what I've seen). But me? I was dealt a hand of faceless cards. Utterly worthless in the game of life. Even those with bad hands, like twos, threes, and fours can come together to pool their lot—and I personally could not encourage that more if I tried. But a bunch of blank cards? Yeah, those are completely unusable. One of the most important lessons Nature taught me is that I don't have to accept a worthless hand, but instead toss it out and create my own. Whether by discarding the hand of blank cards and selecting out the ones I actually want, or saying “fuck the rules” and literally drawing my own graphics on the blanks (because I'm also an artist), I learned that this is something I can do. And, I have been. So, I figured, what reason do I have to not create a straight royal flush for myself? Even better, this “straight royal flush” will look very different from the hands held by the billionaires who never have to worry about anything because they can use money for everything (which is a delusion, of course). But creating one's hand like this also requires true power, and thus, I intend to for my own “royal flush” to be something that can help make the world a better place. I've gotten tired of seeing people struggling to make ends meet, or being oppressed simply for not being of a “favored group” or whatever. – Just some endnotes: 1. To the person who was talking to me on Discord...thanks for trying to be friends with me. I'm sorry to say that I'm not suitable for friendship; that requires mutual human connection—something I'm not capable of. But you were cool to talk with all the same. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are and whatever you've got going on in life now. And to everyone else...well...if you wanted to be friends with me, I apologize. You're probably better off looking elsewhere for friendship. For those wondering why I'm even saying this...there might've been a time when I could feign ignorance, or make excuses for being...odd. I like to think my reasons are extenuating, after all. But I've been dead serious about understanding myself, and I have too much self-awareness to pretend anymore. Otherwise I'm just leading people on, and...yeah. I for one have had enough of people pretending. I don't want to be part of the problem. 2. It probably seems weird that I'm posting this in the “Creativity” board, since this is technically a work of non-fiction. But since I've had people act like what happened to me is impossible, that I'm "making shit up,” or that I'm writing “something that sounds like a movie,” I figured I might as well roll with it. Besides, I like creative non-fiction, too. It's actually pretty difficult to put a creative spin on real-life events, even if they're events from your own life. That said, I'm really just here to get things off my chest. I'm not looking for actual critique or feedback, although I certainly won't stop anyone from replying with criticisms. Just know that I'm not going to pay heed to them. 3. “Discretion” is something I've grappled with a lot, as far as my personal struggles go. On one hand, yeah, I get the importance of privacy and tact—and I'm aware that some people may not enjoy reading this (assuming anyone does at all). But on the other hand...I've grown tired of keeping quiet just because of “rules” or social customs. I've been silenced for nearly my whole life, after all, and I'm beyond allowing anyone to control me like that now. What's more, I've found that it's made no difference whether I used discretion or not. My issues and...symptoms, if you will...are so profound that people would notice even if I tried to keep them to myself. This has happened both online and in person, and I've been judged more often than not. Damned if I do, damned if I don't really. I figured, if that's how it's going to be, then I'll take the route that allows me to be honest with myself--and I'll be as "loud" as necessary to that end. I'm not here to conform to anyone's standards or rules, especially since said “rules” allowed people mistreat me for so long. Needless to say, this means I'm not suitable for “society,” let alone communities like this one. 4. I know people will try to sympathize with me, and I get a lot of...advice...from people, telling me to "seek therapy," or wishes for me to recover. Look...I'm not trying to be an asshole about this. But none of that helps me at all. It's not going to bring back my stolen time, nor repair my development. It's not going to change the fact that there is no society or culture in existence to day that can accommodate someone like me, or that I can never truly be part of any of them. This also goes for Indigenous nations and their people, who as far as I can tell are the closest to me in terms of their experience and how they live with the world. "Support" for me would be standing with me as I work to create my own place, and then working with me to create bridges from that place. Bear in mind that this also entails me giving up rights and protections of citizenship, along with pretty much everything the rest of you see as "normal," in order to create systems that work specifically for me. By its very nature, this sort of endeavor would be impossible for me to accomplish alone--it's for myself, yeah, but it's also something I want to use for a greater good, too. I cannot do that effectively if people are going to try and act like I'm doing something "forbidden," or if they turn away out of fear. From my experience, that is exactly what humans are wont to do, and...yeah, it'd be nice to be proven wrong for once. Real nice. --- One last thing: it's the end of Pride month, and a lot of people are fighting an important fight in the face of all this weird anti-LGBTQ+ backlash going on worldwide. I don't identify as LGBTQ+ myself, but want to say thanks for standing up for yourself. Likewise, I really appreciate all the representation in the Rebornverse games—it's honestly been real validating for me, personally. Where I come from, there is no oppression, and on the other hand, no favoritism, either. Racism, homophobia and transphobia, and other forms of oppression don't exist out in the jungle. Nobody is “privileged,” either—and generally, anyone who starts trying to lord over others or be “above” them, doesn't live for very long. Oppression, I've learned, is an affront to Nature, and is genuinely unlawful. Everyone is subject equally to the same, often harsh circumstances, and to an equal extent, and it is impossible for anyone to be “above” the laws of Nature. By this design, everyone must learn to live, work, and walk together—and yeah, this often involves butting heads (sometimes literally) in order to come to an understanding. It can take a while for parties to get it right. Humans, despite what many of them seem to think, are not exempt from this. At all. They've certainly tried to be, to their own detriment. By basically creating their own fantasy world to live in, they've allowed for the advent of all these forms of oppression. It's just another reason I struggle with this dissonance simply being around you all. But this doesn't mean I'm blind. It doesn't mean I'm not seeing the efforts of people, both within and outside the LGBTQ+ community, to put an end to all this oppression—or that they're doing it at great personal risk a lot of the time. Can't help but respect that, after all I've been through. Unfortunately, as much I've wanted to help with the cause, I've learned the hard way that I can't. At least, not by joining human rights movements or anything like that—again, because I don't live in the same world as you all. It's honestly a bit of knife-edge irony; I come from a place where nobody is afforded privilege of any kind, where favoritism and oppression don't exist, and this is how I approach human rights. It doesn't really mesh well with current values and perceptions around social justice, human rights, equality, and so on...so I hope that, in creating my own place in the world, and building bridges from my own “island,” I could be more helpful for human rights causes too. For me, it's not just because oppression is shit and needs to go away, it's also simply because you guys share the world with me. It's another lesson from Nature: things exist because they're meant to. That's all the reason I need to stand with LGBTQ+, BIPOC, and everyone else who isn't a straight white cis-male like me. Don't ever stop fighting for your rights, and for yourselves as individuals. I know lots of foolish people act like your existence is some kind of sin, or that it's “unnatural”--but as the resident jungle boy (or something like that) I'll say now that these people, mired in their ignorance, fear, hatred, and delusions, are the unnatural ones. This world is full of all kinds, as it should be. In my eyes, Pride, along with proper representation, is your way of celebrating that. Nature is on your side—otherwise, would any of you fab folks even be here now? Thanks for celebrating the real world in the Rebornverse, as well as its community on this side of the fourth wall. It's been really nice to see, and it does make me feel a bit better about “humanity.”
  2. Just popping in to say thanks for all your hard work--again~ Tbh I haven't gotten far in Rejuv at all; never made it past the 2nd gym. It's mostly because other games have hooked me, but I'm planning to finally, actually get into the game once you get 13.5 out. I've heard about certain plot points and events surrounding the protagonist...things that speak to me personally, due to my own experiences. How profoundly they speak to me is what I'm most looking forward to.
  3. Breaks are important--I've been enjoying mine, away from people, for the most part. Interesting that you're visiting Japan; I haven't given up on my life goal to move there in the future. Getting there will take some time, but I'm actually gonna be starting next month--saving for a student visa for studying Japanese at a language school in Chiba for 2 years --> studying game design at a Japanese university, which will be a lot less expensive in the long run than trying to get that education here in the US, even as an international student --> getting to where I can get permanent residency or possible citizenship. I'm also going to start volunteering at a local animal shelter next month, and see about possibly taking violin lessons. Also gonna be taking a business planning class, because of my creative social enterprise vision; I'm not sure when I'll be able to actually start on creating that business, but it's something I intend to bring with me to Japan as well. All of this will be a much better investment of time and energy than being stuck online, trying to socialize with people. If my issues in your Discord were any indication, I have many issues with people--especially online. Where else to go but the real world, huh? And nature, in particular. I've always found my guidance and answers outside the realm of civilization, after all. Desolation's been a sort of reinforcement for my own perception of things--something I hope I can share in the future, given the proper time and place. If nothing else, I'm grateful that I could find as much validation in the story as I have. So, thanks.
  4. Also since there's that 2mb limit, one last post for any Jewelpet fans here
  5. Just starting a thread for sharing my art and other stuff. I'm also a photographer and very recently got into 3D modeling with blender, so yeah. Anyway... Simple Audino drawing I made for V-Day but didn't post Current OC wip, part of self-imposed challenge to create an RPG class sorta thing. I'll talk about her more once I post a finished piece.
  6. So, I played up to the “bad end” and feel like it's a good segue to share my thoughts (I'm starting a new game to get the best/true ending). But before I start, I'm gonna have to issue massive spoiler warnings along with trigger warnings—for many things, honestly. I'm not gonna pull any punches here. And to the mods: I will neither apologize nor backpedal on anything I say here. More than anything, this is a post I'm making to show appreciation to Caz and the Deso team for their work; in fact, I already mentioned this to Caz elsewhere, and I will break as many rules as necessary in order to keep my word. Stop reading here if you have doubts.--this is your last chance. <---> I guess I'll start with a word of thanks to Caz and the Deso team. I mentioned this in the Discord, but I wanted to study Desolation—the gameplay, writing, plot and character development, and how all these things worked together in a synergistic manner. I always had a good feeling about Desolation, but wanted to wait until you guys rolled Ep.6 out to start playing. Since Deso used Reborn as a foundation, I figured I'd encounter a lot of stuff that'd speak to me personally—parallels to my own life journey, experience, and perspective. ...But to be totally honest? It was even better than I expected. At first I was just liking Shiv and his perspective—as someone who's survived extreme trauma from the very start (literally born into it), and never really had anyone to protect or support me, I didn't have any choice but to roll with the punches, even when odds were along the lines of “if you can't learn on your own, you're dead.” And no, that's not an exaggeration...but more on that later. In contrast to Scarlett, who was never really able to handle the cruelty of “reality,” Shiv's way was all about facing that cruel reality head-on, learning and growing stronger every time it knocked you flat on your ass—and then, once you were strong enough, to extend a helping hand to those who still lacked the strength and encourage them to look inward and realize their own power, however long and arduous that journey. The idea of living in a “dreamland,” where strife, conflict, and cruel reality didn't exist, didn't sit well with Shiv. Or Ava. Or me. Especially not one fabricated on the whims and views of a tiny few. Such an existence might sound nice, sure, but the dark side of humanity would inevitably surface, tainting that fantasy world like a corrosive miasma. In time, people would yearn for an escape, and thus, this cycle of escape into a dream that would eventually be tainted continues. It's not so different from the world humans have created for themselves on this side of the fourth wall, really. ...Which leads me to the meat of Desolation (so far as I've experienced, anyway). Darkrai's ambitions—inducing humanity into a dreamy slumber, where things are much better than the “real world,” for no other reason than to create a world he could take for his own, is remarkably similar to what some people in power over on this side of the fourth wall are striving for. In a sense, it's also reminiscent of various religious and spiritual teachings, about some malevolent entity corrupting and manipulating mortals to its own ends (i.e. Satan). From where I stand, the vast majority of humans here in the “real world” are also trapped in a dream—one in which cracks are showing, countless and also quite profound. But the problem I've seen is that humans have sunk so deeply into the dreamworld they've created, they have lost any awareness or knowledge of what lies outside of it. For nearly everyone, this “reality—of going to school, getting an education, starting a career, and contributing to society—is the only world that really exists. People know nothing beyond the certainty of death and taxes--they cannot comprehend that there is a world outside the scope of the little glass dome called “civilization.” The scant few who do in fact see through this illusory world and attempt to bring that awareness to everyone else are branded pariahs, outlaws, and otherwise potentially dangerous. At best they are shunned and silenced; at worst they're lives are snuffed out to preserve the status quo and interests of the “Darkrais” of the world. As someone who was thrown clear of that illusion from the start, and has seen what's going on thanks to sort of divine intervention from Nature, your work honestly does bring me hope. It's a work of fiction, sure, but humans connect create even fiction works from absolutely nothing—thus, Desolation's plot and progression, including the narrative about what's fantasy and what isn't, had to be informed by the experiences and perception of the people who developed it...and it's not the only creative work that shows people are really trying to think outside the bounds of civilization. The “way the world works,” and the state of human existence that status quo both demands and dictates, are not sustainable. Science—which ironically arose from within this dreamland humans created for themselves—has already generated mountains of evidence of this, and some of the more spiritually-attuned types (like myself) have seen, heard, felt, and perceived the cracks and fractures in this fantasy as well, from many different sources. These polar-opposite perspectives, in the end, are giving humanity the same message: this dream needs to end. Now. For the sake of human existence. ...Not so different from a lot of events in Desolation, really. As various individuals and groups, such as the Jinx Guild, probed their perceived reality and learned more about it, it became more apparent that the “real world” wasn't quite as real as they'd imagined. But just like in our “real world,” far too many are either blind to the cracks in their reality, or refuse to accept or acknowledge them. Some even fight to preserve their illusory world, unsustainable as it is. With everyone so preoccupied with their own desires—and so willing to fight one another for what they believed was right and just—it was anything but difficult for Darkrai to manipulate everyone to his own ends. – But, “Darkrai” is something else I need to talk about as well, and this is where I need to reiterate those trigger warnings at the start. I'm not going to sugar-coat anything here, whatsoever. Y'see...the dark, ugly side of humanity is something I experienced from the start—and unfortunately, it drowned out whatever positive events and memories I had in my past (because I do acknowledge that good things happened to me, too). It's not simply “thoughts” or “stuff in my head,” either—it's hard-wired into every fiber of my being, and I experience many acute, involuntary physical responses to various triggers. A lot of times, I actually have to keep myself from harming someone over some negative feedback, despite them not being an actual threat. A lifetime of severe trauma has honestly made it difficult to not send someone to the hospital or kill them outright in “self-defense.” It sucks to admit, honestly. Especially because I don't want to hurt anyone—rather, I'd like to work to break this cycle of abuse, trauma, and human corruption. But, admit it I must, because it's the cold, hard truth—and I'm not interested in running from it, even if that means grappling with my own darkness for the rest of my life. Frankly, it's a miracle I'm still alive. Enduring sexual and emotional abuse, domestic violence, psychiatric malpractice, a general dismissal and neglect by society, and the shunning (or in some cases outright exploitation) of authorities--pretty much everyone who had the power to step in and intervene when I was in danger, even as a very young child (I'm talking like 5-6 years old)--can't really deny my good fortune. Had things played out even a bit differently, I wouldn't even be alive to make this post now...or I'd have been easy fodder for grooming and manipulation into gang activity, terrorist cells, hardened criminal organizations, and so on. Believe me when I say it would've been real easy. The only reason I'm alive now and not some lowlife bringing others down—the only reason—is because nature stepped in and intervened (brutally, I might add) after humanity failed me from the start. In a sense, I died once already; whoever I was and would've been is long gone. That person was killed before they even had a chance to live, but I got a second chance. I guess the trade-off is that I never learned how to connect with other humans, and due to my developmental circumstances, I'll never be able to. Things like therapy cannot “fix” something like this, and there's no prior state of wellness I can “recover” to—despite what many people seem to think. As I said, I was thrown well outside this dreamy glass-dome world the rest of you—or most of you, anyway—call reality, and I've already learned the hard way that it's not something I can just casually step back into. Seeing the sate of your civilization, however, and how so many people are unable to think outside of it even as nature comes in and ravages it...I don't think I want to live inside your dream. I'd like to think massive earthquakes that kill thousands of people, for example are a crystal-clear message to humanity to quite fighting each other over petty nonsense, that you do not own this world, nor are “entitled” to any part of it, and that in order to both survive and prosper, humans need to learn to coexist and learn not just from each other but also the world around them, but...sadly, not from what I've seen. And so, I come to the “Darkrai” in all of this. Rather than some malevolent outside force corruption and manipulating humans inside their cozy little glass dome, the “Darkrai” is something born directly of humans themselves. Humans have never been pure or perfect in any sense; a balance of light and darkness is an innate aspect of being human. What's more, this balance is different for each individual; every human being has a scale that's rigged differently, and each needs a different balance to achieve what's essentially an equilibrium. Yet, somehow, humans have embraced an idea that “light is good and darkness is evil,” forgetting that just as one can be blinded by darkness, so too can one be blinded by light; that, in order to see clearly, each of us needs some unique balance of both, and a blindness by one or the other leads to a corruption of humanity. The “misama” I've seen pervading the human dream and enveloping its dreamers, is something that humans birthed themselves—a result of losing their connection to the real world. Because, even if it's part of “human nature” as many say, humans are at their core imperfect beings, and as I said before, cannot create something from nothing—including a world of their own. Likewise, they are not omnipotent gods, and cannot live as an island separate from the rest of the world. I mean...I know there are many people discontent with the current state of “society” and “civilization,” and that there's small handful of disgustingly rich humans who are talking about leaving Earth and colonizing Mars or some other planet—ditching a world they dislike (and frankly ruined in their own delusion) in favor of creating a new one just for themselves. You might say they're in Darkrai's thrall—the “Darkrai” they themselves helped to create. It's really no different from the “Matrix” certain provocateurs online talk about escaping. This Matrix isn't actually some grand system devised by a few to control the many—it's closer to a runaway program, or perhaps a virus, that humans created (most likely with good intent) and lost control up. It's a product of the corruption originating in humans, and has now entrapped and in many cases enslaved them. “Darkrai,” at least on this side of the fourth wall, is a cage humanity has unwittingly and unknowingly built around themselves. While I'm glad people are talking about it in their own way, and (frantically) looking for solutions, it begs the question: if humans know nothing beyond this cage—what Darkrai has built for them—how will they handle the actual real world? It's a terrible position to be in, from where I stand. After everything that happened to me—all the unspeakable trauma, and how I was affected—it's unsettling to think that I could have ended up in the broken dream of humanity, too. I've spent a lot of time and effort, and endured a lot of pain, to face my own aspect of “Darkrai” and prevent it from taking control—and I'll be the first to say I've screwed up many, many times. Having said all this, the state of humanity in the Dreamscape—lost, scattered, broken, and totally directionless for the most part—is a pretty good portrayal of how “real” humans would be affected if they were suddenly pulled out of their caged-like dreamworld into the real world. Most would have no idea what to do, and many would die for it. It would be no different from forcibly removing a wild animal from its natural habitat and relocating it to some place it does not belong. For most of humanity, their illusory dream world is in fact their natural habitat. I haven't gotten far enough into Desolation to see how the protagonist and other “dreamers” thwart Darkrai, or how everyone handles the revelation that Ayrith is a world they dreamed up themselves. Since Deso's still in development, it's likely the story hasn't even been written as far as I'm reading ahead (so to speak). But given what I've learned from my own experience, and that Desolation is proof that there are in fact people within the “dream” called civilization who are actively attempting to think outside of it, I'll definitely look forward to what's to come. So...thanks, Caz. You and the rest of the team have done some pretty amazing work...and honestly, I can't say enough how much I appreciate being able to just take what I encountered in Desolation, draw all these parallels to my own life experience and perspective, and then drop a cascade of text that—hopefully--others can read and chew on. After all, I'm speaking from a very different place from where most of you live, and even though I can never truly integrate into civilization or any existing society, I'd like to at least try to reach people and build bridges. The truth is, humans need a bridge back to whence they came—what they call “the jungle.” Nature has much to teach humanity, but humans have gone so long without a connection to nature and all they can learn and grow from, they and their existence have suffered terribly—and despite what many try to say, humans can't simply “break out” into the natural world. Of course, simply talking like this isn't going to reach anyone nor help to build that bridge...but perhaps human creativity can. After all, art has the power to transcend all the barriers humans build, around themselves and each other, and can move them in ways words cannot. Deso might've been a fun project for you, and I can definitely respect that; however, these kinds of projects may be the key to a better world, and the advancement of humans as a species. The change humanity so desperately needs—rather, what humans to do for themselves—isn't going to happen from people making tiring speeches or blog-length posts on forums, but will instead be sparked by creative works, and the all-important messages people convey through them. It can only happen through things that shake humans and their existence to the core...things that can truly make them wake up from their dream.
  7. Finally made it to the end, huh? Nice job, guys~ Since I suck ass at socializing and "people" in general--as anyone in the Deso Discord already saw--I'll probably just made a new thread and post my thoughts and stuff there. Or if that's not an option, I guess I just...won't. But regardless, I did tell Caz I was looking forward to this. Would like to show some kind of appreciation.
  8. Thanks for this--this kind of transparency is really important for anyone aspiring to game design/development--like me. Especially the part where you talk about the kinds of people you've had to deal with...that's something I'm gonna have to figure out how to handle. I mean, since I have serious issues with people in general due to PTSD, particularly online. Some people here have already seen this for themselves, but I'm kinda beyond caring what anyone thinks at this point. But, I dunno..the prospect of using game design and creativity in general to make a difference in people's lives pretty far outweighs all the dumb people issues I struggle with, so I'd say it's good fuel for overcoming it. Hopefully I can one day get to basically where you are now when it comes to dealing with people. Thanks for all you and the rest of the Rejuv team do, Jan. And yeah, best look after yourself and your health first--take it from me, as someone who's been through a little too much in life.
  9. ...Since I couldn't think of a clear, succinct title, ha. Anyway...I just beat the main story, started post-game. But this post, as long as it's going to be, is more to say thanks for the experience. But, first off, I'm just gonna say, I'm not good with people, period. Online of offline, it doesn't matter; I've tried many times and in many different ways to change this, but it's been to no avail. That said, I won't be replying or coming back to this post at all...just want to say what I have to say. I've been lurking here since I started playing Reborn in like...2016-17, I think? I still remember one Ep. having broken weather...fond memories for everyone, I bet. It was hard for me to get into the game, but I think that was just because I'd rather wait for a finished product--a wait that was totally worth it, though maybe for reasons that are a bit different from most. So...truth is, I'm a trauma survivor. There's really no way I can talk about any of the details without causing an issue even with up-front trigger warnings, so...I won't. I will say that, even though I might not give the impression, I was born into traumatic circumstances, and that was my norm for the first 25 years of my life. And, when I say trauma, I'm talking about things most people would not survive, and my development was drastically and irreversibly affected as a result--something I only came to realize within the past year or so after working through it for the past 8 or so. ...Things like family, friendship, love and human connections in general; trust, support, safety and comfort--all of these things, I've never really known. They weren't part of my development; instead, I learned the dark, ugly side of humanity, and I "learned" it through my entire being. Many times I asked for help, but was ignored or silenced at best and outright exploited by people in positions of trust or authority at worse--doctors, law enforcement, school officials and even some family members....nobody was ever there. Nobody stepped in to protect me when I was too young to do it myself, and in fact, nobody even stopped to question my outbursts, instability, and "problematic" behavior or consider that something might be seriously wrong. Among other things, I've realized that a good part of this was simply due to me being male--a "troublesome little boy," and not and "innocent little girl." Gender stereotypes were--and still are--a big reason I decided it wasn't worth trying to turn to anyone for help, and part of my past trauma (read: psychiatric malpractice) is the reason I won't seek "help" from therapists. But I think the most grievous outcome from all this is that I actually lost who I was and would've been. That person was killed long ago, and in a sense, I've died once already. I've had to literally re-create myself as an individual, both by drawing from the world around me and salvaging the scattered pieces of...whoever I might've been. Most people can't comprehend this, and many don't believe it's even possible. I've learned this the hard way. As for the reason I was able to do this? Honestly, because nature stepped in and intervened. Harshly. Not so different from mother giving her child a spanking for doing something stupid (in my case, overconfidence when camping out in the woods along about 7 years ago). Before then, I didn't have anything--no foundation, no guidance, no direction...nothing, save for the trauma I'd endured my whole life. So Mother Nature's spanking basically gave me a second chance at life, and at this point I'd sooner turn to the natural world and "the jungle" than humans and civilization.. It's just where I come from, and how things played out--and it's better than being dead. The downside is that simply being around humans brings me feelings of displacement and alienation--like humans, as they exist now, are some alien species, living in a completely different world from me despite treading the same Earth. Aside from all the mistrust and misanthropic sentiments I'm still grappling with, I'm just not able to connect with people in general. The only exceptions are those who see past all the status quos, laws, pre-ordained paths, and other "human things"--those who are actually able to see the world around them, beyond the scope of "civilization." Not sure how else to explain that, and honestly it's probably best I don't don't even bother trying. tl;dr, trauma changes things completely, especially when it's an individual's "normal." I'm still trying to find a reason to even believe in humanity, stubborn as I am. I mean, I didn't face down my hellish past and everything else to surrender to them, after all...but even if I eventually learn to be comfortable with humans, I have many wounds that will never heal. This is not something that can be changed or fixed, and there is no therapy--or anything, whatsoever--that can bring back my stolen time and development, nor the person I might've been. ---- All this said, Reborn is full of characters I can relate to on a very personal level, and far from the dark, mature content being a trigger, I felt validated. Obviously not gonna say who or what to avoid spoilers, but Ame, it's pretty clear you had trauma-informed people in your dev team--not just about trauma itself, but also the process of facing it head-on and overcoming it, how it's different for each person in terms of experience and aftermath, and the fact that even with help and support from friends and allies, it doesn't "go away." Ever. I guess the only difference for me is that I've had to do all of this alone, for the reasons I mentioned before. I'm sure you can imagine what kind of strength that takes--it's the same strength that makes it easy for me to talk about it like this. So, again...thanks. For real. I appreciate what you've given to the world--and I appreciate that it was for everyone and not for me, because trauma, self-improvement, and internal struggles that nobody else can really see are things everyone needs to hear about. Like, for example, here in the US, these things are still highly stigmatized and too many people want to just run from them or sweep them under the rug. Contrary to all the self-aggrandization and machismo talk about America being a "strong, great nation," it's very much a place where too many people avoid actually addressing the myriad issues in society that lead to these things in the first place. In my eyes, it's a show of profound weakness--weakness that will only perpetuate these cycles of abuse, trauma, and suffering. But if simply talking or speaking out isn't enough to spark change, perhaps a more creative approach is needed. I doubt I need to say anything about how popular games are, haha. As for myself, I'll be okay. It took me a while, but I did figure out what I need to do to actually move forward. I'll be moving to Japan and starting anew there and will be living their starting next April. I'll be studying Japanese, then game design, and working to fit plenty of volunteer work into my schedule (again, my values are very different from most). I'm not happy that I'm stuck with disability income from the US, but it's also a good incentive to give it my all. Eventually I hope to get off of that and start up a creative social enterprise--a different sort of company, for those who aren't aware. I'm here to turn my own harrowing past into something positive for all--poison into medicine. The world kinda needs it now, doesn't it? I've already had some people try to discourage me from this, of course...but something tells me those people have no clue what true adversity and hardship are. Some of us have had the bar set sky-high--or higher, even. Reborn was full of important reminders, and it was pretty nice to have them come from an outside perspective. I'd say it was a game I genuinely needed to play through.
  10. Haven't been here in a while, but came to drop a quote from a certain sorely-missed former president of Nintendo: "Video games are meant to be just one thing: fun. Fun for everyone." Sad to see how toxic things have gotten--not just in the Rejuv community, but in gaming communities as a whole. But I'm also glad there are still fun-loving people out there, too. Y'know...those who actually, truly understand what Iwata-san was getting at. It's good to know your head is in the right place, Jan--and that you cared enough to speak out about this not just for your own sake, but also for your fanbase. Intense or not, Rejuv was supposed to fun for everyone, yeah? So thanks for bringing it all out into the open.
  11. ...Well, if I can't post working links/images, I guess there's no point in me being here at all. Oh, well~
  12. Eh...wasn't really expecting any sort of response from anyone. The things you're talking about both make sense to me and are totally foreign. I think it's mostly because I'm struggling with an identity crises of sorts, due to all the developmental trauma. I don't feel "human" at all, at least not in the way humans are now (for the most part). Honestly, I'm closer to a feral animal than a civilized human being...whatever that even means. Out in the jungle, there are no written rules, and the priorities of living things are different, too. From my perspective, humans have separated themselves from the rest of the world, by splitting the world into two very off-balanced halves. There's a small glass-dome world humans call "civilization," and everything that exists outside that realm, which humans call "the jungle." If you're a scientist, maybe you've seen how disconnected humans have grown from "the jungle," and how that reflects in pretty much everything they do. It also manifests in the state of human existence; the laws of human society, for example, don't really leave any room for nature and the world outside civilization. It's as if the walls of "civilization" give the illusion that nothing exists outside of it--like humans have caged themselves into their own world. I really don't know how to explain it in a way that can be understood. The best I can do is to say, "leave civilization for a while, connect with the outside world, and experience with your whole being how the rest of the world works." Humans seen unable to learn from the world around them, as I said. And, if you're suggesting that human laws have their roots in the laws of nature, I can agree with that--I've seen many parallels and it's left me wondering why most of humanity can't see them as well. It seems like you've made some connections, too. Honestly, I've been trying to find a way back to my own kind, but it's not working at all. But the things you've said about human nature, like animalistic instincts, reinforce something I've started to realize recently: that I will never be able to connect with humans, no matter what I try. It's likely I'll never be able to trust humans, or be comfortable with humans, or feel any sense of belonging in any community, culture, or society humans create. It's not about being "unique" or not--individualism is present in all species. My issue is that, due to a lifetime of extreme trauma, the course of my development was drastically and irreversibly altered. It's not something that can be fixed or healed; this is literally who I am now. I'm aware that human development and psychology aren't your background, and I'm also aware that I can't speak for anyone but myself. But as difficult as it may be for your to believe, and as much as I wish it weren't the case, I won't be able to integrate into any society or culture, no matter what part of the world I'm in or how far the members of those societies and cultures try to make me feel welcome. That's why I want to create my own place, and to be my own "nation." It'll mean defying all the conventions humans consider normal or standards, and I wouldn't be surprised if it means putting my life on the life, but that's just how it is for me. I've tried many times and in many different ways to circumvent that--to actually try to fit into a human community. But again, it's impossible. I think you're speaking within the confines of "civilization," while I'm speaking from outside that realm--and I've already seen how this works in nature, too. There's really no difference in the end; humans at their core aren't any different from the animals they tend to view as "lesser" than themselves. Likewise, things can happen in the wild to compel an individual of a species to break away from their own kind and do things differently, just like me. The point I'm trying to make is that humans for whatever reason believe they exist above or separate from nature, even though they don't. They've somehow gotten the idea that they, and only they, can bring that "peace" to the world. Humans believe they are the only ones who can follow rules for the sake of order. The truth about the world is that there's only one whole world, not two, and from what I've seen, it's because humans keep trying to separate themselves from the world that they continue to repeat their mistakes; if humans see nothing beyond their own civilization, how can they expect to make the lasting, meaningful changes they as a species desperately need now? If humans continue to stand above the rest of the world as you're suggesting they should, or even continue to think they're above the world, how do they expect to learn from it? By separating themselves from the real world, where civilization and "the jungle" are meant to coexist in harmony, and instead attempting to live "above" it, humans have created circumstances in which both their own civilization, as well as the rest of the planet, have suffered. Maybe things are meant to be this way on some other, distant worlds, but not here on Earth. Maybe it's just because I'm an outside looking in, but the way humans live is unsustainable. The different between our perspectives is that you've studied mice in a controlled environment as per the scientific method; on the other hand, I've studied humans in the habitat they've created for themselves, as well as animals in the wild, outside the purview of the scientific method. I assume from my own experience that you would disregard my approach simply because it's "unscientific." Whether or not that's actually the case, this really just highlights that I don't live in the same "world" as you do. That's why "humanity" doesn't make sense to me. That's why being around other humans is so alienating for me, and why the rest of you are like some alien race to me. It's why your civilization and societies are totally foreign to me, and why I can't really connect with the rest of you at all. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to bridge that rift, because humans have already chosen their path, and I my own. As per the laws of nature, trying to force one another to conform or assimilate to the other will only cause problems for both. So I'm just striving for peaceful, mutual coexistence. That said, I don't really know what you mean by "peace." It sounds like you're aware that absolute pacifism with no conflict whatsoever is impossible--and unnatural. So I'm guessing we can agree that "peace" means being able to disagree and butt heads on occasion, but still being able to live, learn, and walk together in the end. For humans, this would mean polling individual strengths while compensating each other's weaknesses. And you're right, "weakness" in itself isn't anything to be ashamed of--but forcing people to hide themselves, or trying to teach them to put on a facade, is shameful in my eyes. I've seen this manifested in human laws and social norms as well, and I can't abide by those falsities. In fact, I absolutely refuse to. The "peace" humans are seeking would require them to embrace their own innate imperfection on an individual level, with an understanding that many of their answers can be found in other individuals. By balancing individualism with collectivism, humans as an entire species will be able to advance--that is to say, not advancing their cultures, societies, technology, and so on, but themselves. If humans can do this, their societies and civilization will follow. Since this is also how it works in the natural world, this will also allow humans to adapt more readily and easily to climate change and the various circumstances that arise from it. If there were any way for humans to show just how capable they are as a species, this would be it. As strange as it may sound, humans could stand above the world as you've suggested, by standing on it, alongside everyone else, and coexisting in such a way that all living things can grow and benefit, not just humans. This is what I learned from the jungle. I've been trying to build bridges with other humans, but the disparity between myself and "humanity" is so profound that I've been unable to. I know some people think I should seek therapy or psychiatry, but the hard truth is that there's no way to turn back time and re-write the events of my past. And, actually, I already know there are human cultures in the world that are far closer to my own way of living than the United States ever has been--like the Indigenous peoples of the world, and their nations and cultures. But I can never be one of them. I've also connected a lot with Japan and its culture, but I can never be part of their society, either. I would have this issue no matter where in the world I went. It's out of that awareness that I decided that creating my own place in the world is what I need to do--and from there, to build bridges with everyone else. But, I won't be able to adhere to human conventions to accomplish this, so I've been looking to nature and the planet for guidance. Even more than just "being human," the one thing humans and non-humans alike share is that they call this planet home and are subject to nature's whims. Despite me going on and on about it, there is in fact no complex scientific theory involved, no religious teaching of any kind, and no deep, philosophical perspective--it's as simple as looking around at the world around you. It's such a simple truth, in fact, that most humans can no longer see it. Humans are strange creatures...that's all I can really say at this point. But since the rest of you would view me the same way, I like to think that just walking together and complementing one another is the best thing we can do for one another. I don't know if I can do that after everything that's happened, and at this point I don't think it's possible...but if there is a "right person" I need to meet, then maybe I just need time. Honestly, I can't seem to post any working links or images here. Maybe I could send them to you via PM, or Discord if you have that. And, uh...I apologize for being so self-centered. It's not out of ego or entitlement, but because I honestly don't feel I can trust humans at all or count on humanity for anything...but I'm at least aware that you just want to talk, and that others have only wanted to try and help. I can't be around humans without carrying a sword with my hand on the hilt, so to speak, but maybe one day I'll finally be at ease with humanity.
  13. Sylvaret

    hi again

    Can I help with the clowning? Because it's annoyed me a bit too--enough that I had to speak out publicly despite not being comfortable. EDIT: Don't even know what happened with this double post, I was trying to edit my original one
  14. Sylvaret

    hi again

    Hi again, indeed~ Just want to say, I think this was a good call. Like I told cass before I left last time, if you decide to put Reborn on hold or anything involving the progress bars, I'd support it. That hasn't changed, just like the best answer you being able to give about Reborn's final release is "it'll be done when it's done." But honestly...reading your post was sorta like reading into what I'm dealing with right now. Only difference is, I don't have a partner or friends or anyone like cass to help keep me sane for the reasons I mentioned before when I PM'd you. When stuff like this happens, I have to deal with it alone and that's how it's always been. So I can relate to the stuff you talked about, at least to an extent. Even with support from others, it's never easy, is it? But I'm glad you don't have to deal with this stuff all by yourself, either. Just take your time, Ame. You got this~
  15. I'd asked Ame to delete my account before, since I was having a lot of personal troubles (joining the Discord was a bad idea, frankly), but...eh. In the end, that was me just running away--the opposite of what I should be doing, if I'm to work past an extreme fear of people and other things. So I'm making a new creative thread and just sticking mainly to this little space of mine, since creativity's a pretty good outlet. It's also a way to express myself in a more effective way, because "socializing" just doesn't work for me at all, sadly. That said, I'll just paste some writing I typed up earlier. -- So, things got really bad--again. But as always, it wasn't really because of anything anyone did, so much as my own past still haunting me. Even though it's not my intent, I still end up causing trouble for people because of this, and I like to think I have too much self-awareness to use past trauma as an excuse....Or maybe I'm just too hard on myself. I don't really know, honestly.Either way, I have an extreme fear of people; of getting close to anyone, even as a friend. I'm consciously aware that there are good people in the world, that not all of humanity is out to get me, and that there are people worth being close to...but that doesn't make this any easier, unfortunately. This is made more difficult by the fact other people deal with their own struggles, and that some of my behavior is probably pretty triggering...like reminders of what they themselves have suffered. I'm not the only one who learned to be mistrustful of others; some people are mistrustful of men, others of women, and still others--like myself--of "humanity" as a whole.So, yeah, I openly admit that I'm misanthropic and trying to find a way past that. It would be easier if humans in general were more understanding, but that's not something I have any control over.But at the same time...thinking about it this way makes it hard for me to take a self-centered approach, and I guess that's a good thing, because instead of whining about "evil humans," it just leads me to question the true nature of humanity--whether humans are truly capable of learning from their own mistakes, and whether they're actually capable of facing and accepting their own flaws, instead of running from them or trying to strive for the pipe dream called "perfection." If all us have our weaknesses and are imperfect by design, I'd think that would be an incentive to always strive for self-improvement, not "perfection," and to pool each other's individual strengths while compensating each other's individual weaknesses.So, in the end, looking at other people is really me just looking at myself--and I don't really like what I see.I know a lot of people think that they should go out and spark changes in other things, but how many people realize that one must change themselves first, in order to change the world around them? How many realize that, instead of subjugating others and forcing them to conform to standards, one can set the example for others to follow and influence change through more positive, productive, and respectable means? How many people realize that, despite what people and society may tell them, it's not weak to cry, to show one's true self, and openly display one's own humanity? If anything, that's the greatest show of strength humans are capable of--"weakness" is trying to hide those things and instead don a mask or put on a false act.I didn't want to perpetuate that sort of weakness.There's no way I could overcome my own shackles that way, and I wanted to be stronger than all that. I still haven't found my answer, honestly; I'm still making mistakes, still unable to trust others, and still causing problems when I try to connect with people...but with every hard fall, I see the end of this long tunnel a bit more clearly. With every bump and bruise, I find a little more strength to move forward and persevere.I know some people will try to tell me I'm "doing it wrong," and in fact, some already have. Apparently people have been taught that it's impossible to learn without teachers or mentors; that people who live by their own rules and values, instead of social standards and human laws, are dangerous and do not belong in the world, full-stop. Little do these people and their own "teachers" realize that such mentality undermines the true capability of humans, and prevents any lasting, meaningful change--something the human species needs as of now. In my eyes, it's shameful that the societies and laws of humans reflect such a detrimental perspective.So I'll keep screwing up and learning, little by little, even if nobody wants to associate with me simply for walking my own path and doing things my own way. I will continue defying the laws that are in fact lawless because of whom they favor or oppress, while working to create my own system. I will continue turning to nature and what people call "the jungle" for guidance about equality and what "freedom" truly means, instead of human society and civilization. I will continue to judge humanity against the rest of the world, putting humans on equal ground to every other living thing on the planet, instead of putting them above everything else. I will continue to look for ways to walk alongside everyone, human or not, in the spirit of harmony and peaceful, mutually-beneficial coexistence, instead of subjugation or assimilation, because that is the how the "real world" works.I will continue being myself, no matter what anyone thinks, because I believe that's the best contribution I can give not just to "humanity," but the world as a whole. -- ...Should explain everything. It's fine if people don't agree, and really, everyone is free to think what they will. I really don't trust humans, but at the same time, I haven't given up...more than anything, because whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, something happens to bring me back in the game. It's usually me getting pissed off and then using that anger as fuel to get back on track. It's like alchemy, I guess--the transmutation of negative, poisonous emotions into sustenance for myself and medicine for others. As for me being an "outsider," well...I'm really just an outsider to society, civilization, and "humanity" in its current state. The laws and standards people live by don't work for me at all--they never have, and never will. I'm really just playing along at this point, waiting for the chance to break away and live by my own rules. Except, uh...they're not really "my" rules. I learned to live by the laws of nature, not the laws of humans--and it's strange to look in on my own kind and see just how profoundly humans have caged themselves into their own beliefs about what the "real world" is. Like, for example, how humans believe the little glass-dome realm called "civilization" is the world in tis entirety. Not everyone believes that, out of an understanding that there's far more to the world than humanity, but sadly those people are branded as "dangerous" in some way. The irony is that, when it comes to "law and order," what people call "the jungle" is more lawful and orderly than "civilized society." Humans are strange creatures...being able to trap themselves as they do, in the belief that lies are truth and the truth is a lie. I'm not interested in perpetuating that. I doubt I can do much in the community outside this little space of mine; trying to be part of it, paradoxically enough, will just make me feel alienated. I'd like to not turn tail again. But anyway, enough heavy, philosophical, existential stuff for now--I've been somewhat busy since I was here last:
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