Kurotsune Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Story: http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=19931 Literally just started writing whatever came to mind and this happened. Criticize away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pyon Pyon Kyuu!~ Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Well there isn't much to say because it's short. Really really short (and that's rich coming from me.) The writing itself is high quality. Good sentences, good descriptions, good everything. However in terms of setting and character, we know nothing. But that's due to how short it is. I'm guessing you will continue expanding on this if you feel like it, and if you do it could be something cool. Writing is high quality but short. \o/ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halloween Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 'Ello. Hope it's not too late for this; I enjoyed your short and thought I should give you some thoughts on it. First of all aaaahhhh post-apocalyptic warrior girls are my faves gimme more gimme more. Out of 16 paragraphs, some only a sentence long, 7 started with "she". While sentences starting with "she" will, quite naturally, occur frequently, in the beginning it was nearly every sentence, which... Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. "It was almost time…" for what? Haven't filled out your daily get-attacked quota? And then the alcohol. I know I'm reading into this now, but the combination of her being in some kind of post-apocalyptic ruin, her lack of shower access and all... I just got the impression that drinkable water would be scarce. So why the hell is she drinking alcohol? Shit's dehydrating as hell yo. Think of your skin girl. I liked the creature description thou! Got a clear idea of what they looked like without going into too much detail. The only confusion is that she seemed to know what they were from the start, and yet referred to them as "creatures" several times before she named them. Finally, I think the last two sentences really made the fic. They were both really really good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damage Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Alright, as a writer I strive for the level of detail when it comes to the scene that you painted here. From the rotten boards being crashed into by this rock faced monster down to the rusted weapon your girl bashed its face with. Its so much nicer to read than "she hit it good with a pole". I'd like to see this adventure into the ruins that you've started here. Sorry I've not much to offer but this was pretty good so I don't have much besides keep writing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurotsune Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 Sorry for the delayed response, but I do appreciate all the feedback. So there's three points I'd like to address: Out of 16 paragraphs, some only a sentence long, 7 started with "she". While sentences starting with "she" will, quite naturally, occur frequently, in the beginning it was nearly every sentence, which... Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. I agree. I wrote this in one sitting and I make it a point not to revise the writing too drastically, but that's certainly something to take note of for the future. "It was almost time…" for what? Haven't filled out your daily get-attacked quota? The narrator isn't the character, so it wasn't really something she was thinking. That said, that sentence does feel out of place for the narration, so again, something to take note for the future. And then the alcohol. I know I'm reading into this now, but the combination of her being in some kind of post-apocalyptic ruin, her lack of shower access and all... I just got the impression that drinkable water would be scarce. So why the hell is she drinking alcohol? Shit's dehydrating as hell yo. Think of your skin girl. I envisioned the world as one where the "apocalyptic" event has occured recently and eliminated a good portion of the human population - Hence why there's one isolated character in what is presumed to be a significant part of the city; Thus, supplies aren't really that scarce. The character also may be an alcoholic, I haven't really decided on that one yet, 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyanna Cyril Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 I'm not sure if you're still looking for feedback, but here goes: Positives: Atmosphere is excellently created. The feeling of anticipation and tension are very well developed. Pacing flows effortlessly. No unnecessary pauses, action remains constant. Voice is strong, believable, and cohesive. Negatives: I don't think she should be able to see clearly when she got attacked. 1) Starless night = really dark. 2) Campfire just got put out = her eyes are not adjusted to darkness. 3) Creature was described at first as a "glimpse of a dark shadow" = shadow in the dark when person isn't currently adapted to see in dark. From these descriptions, I don't think she'd be able to see unless she was an else or something. It was address above, but I think the alcohol is a problem, but it could be justifiable. If the story was developed a little more so that we see people purifying drink by fermenting it, then it's okay. Overall, I really liked it and you really do have a talent for this. Keep writing, I wanna know more about this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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