I have found a fellow pessimist
I developed OCD when I was in elementary, and I really thought I was crazy. I once almost died because I felt like I absolutely had to touch this random spot in the street, so I ran off from my family and almost got hit by a car. (I didn't get to touch the spot).
I would repeat things in my head like "I don't hate god, I don't hate god", because I was terrified of divine punishment as a child (which is funny cuz now I don't even believe in him). I would obsess over little details, like "my friend is starting to sound differently when she talks to me. she doesn't like me anymore) Every time I went to bed I'd have all of these thoughts run through my head again and again. When I woke up, I would feel at peace for a moment, and I remember clearly my heart sinking when all of the thoughts came back to me.
This was all when I was a child. I tried to explain to some people, but they wouldn't understand. I felt absolutely alone and super weird. I had no idea I had a mental disorder until one day, when I was like 12, I looked up the symptoms, and it just directed me to a page about OCD. I think I cried because of how relieved I was. I literally thought no one else went through what I did, and to find out it even had a name helped me a lot, and eventually I accepted it.
Some time in 7th grade (I was like 14) I developed anxiety and depression. This is sad to me because I clearly remember being able to play the violin and perform in front of others and feel good about it, even happy and pride. Starting 7th grade, I began to have horrible anxiety and eventually couldn't perform for my orchestra and band (which was tough, because I was first chair, the leader) I tried to get out of performing all the time. I'd fake being sick, lie that my mother wouldn't let me. I let my fellow orchestra and band members down a lot. Fortunately, I didn't get out of it much, so I sucked it up and performed my solos (meaning, just me playing in front of a huge audience. not easy) Sometimes I performed really well, sometimes I fucked up my solos entirely. God, I remember my hand shaking and not even being able to hold the bow, much less play properly.
That was just the anxiety. At this time of my life, I began to feel worthless and hopeless. I would think I would never succeed. This was bizarre because I was one of the best students, even taking high school classes in middle school. But depression doesn't choose its victims. You could have everything in the world and still feel worthless as a human being, and feel that you will never get out. I would lose the confidence and ambition that I used to have. I would dream really big, and I would be so sure I could make it, now I sometimes can't even get out of bad.
My depression got inherently worse when high school began. Freshman year I started seeing a therapist and got my OCD, anxiety, and depression diagnosed officially. I was then hospitalized because they feared I would kill myself. I shared a roof with other suicidal and even homicidal people. People that were addicted to drugs, traumatized, raped, and I was a goody goody with straight A's and a big house. I feel ashamed for my depression, because I have everything I need. But again, depression doesn't choose its target.
Sophomore year I broke down and left school. I had a terrible break up, my first heartbreak ever and it nearly drove me to suicide, so I knew it was best for me to leave. I now take my classes online and am almost done with school, and I'm ahead of everyone else, so I'm being productive. I'm planning to join the military as soon as I finish, so that I can do something worthwhile with my life, as I feel like I have wasted my time on Earth so far. Routine like waking up, going to school, hanging out with friends, working, studying, and then going to sleep and repeating is not living. I want to be proud of myself.
I still see my psychiatrist and take pills for my mental disorders, and even though lately I have felt empty and hopeless, and extremely bitter towards the world, I think I am better than how I was in the hospital.
I just told you so much omg sorry this was so long (and it was only a little bit too)
Like I said before, I am always here for ANYONE who wants to talk. I am a depressed pessimist myself, so I may not be of help, but I will always be there. We do not need introductions, to be friends, nothing. Just hit me up and tell me anything you want.