Aladdin! So this was actually the first one I meant to do, but the universe was sending me strong Cinderella vibes last week. In any case, here we go. With its own little theme song with some guy who can only half-sing.
Follow along if you want:
[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkN_RFEJ17E"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkN_RFEJ17E[/url]
"Agrabah- City of Mystery!" Okay, wait, I remember nothing mysterious about this city at all except for in KH the question of where the hell the keyhole is.
The salesman narrator is selling hookah. What's the intended audience age of this film again? Hookah? Really, Disney? This young?
And yet, the same guy just threw the stars into the sky. Either we've already smoked too much of something, or that is pretty badass.
Jaffar yells "Quickly, follow the trail!" ...but there's no one riding at first other than himself. He must be lonely. Poor guy.
I missed the bird's name, and can't remember, but his over the top sarcasm reminds me of a certain steel leader. In regards to the obviously scummy thug being unworthy to enter the Cave of Wonders- "What a surprise. I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise."
Maybe it's just because I'm a theatre kid, but Aladdin gets major points for singing One Jump Ahead while pretty awesomely avoiding all the guards.
And a guy is just casually sleeping on a bed of nails? Wait, what? Not only does he look to be in peace, lying in the middle of the street over a BOARD FULL OF SPIKES, but he's bloody smiling at it.
...Massochist? Disney... *shakes head*
...And another guy is just casually dancing on coal. I think we have some misplaced stereotypes about... whateverculture... what culture IS this anyway?
Aladdin shares his bread with the kids, the monkey does, begrudingly. Well, at least we've clearly establish all of the characters' morals.
"If I were you," Aladdin says to prince, "I could afford some manners." A seemingly cool line, but they are then thrust into what I can only assume is mud. I thought we were in a desert though?
"Weren't you, Raja? You were just playing with that over-dressed self absorbed prince Ahkmed, weren't you?" (whose pants are in the tiger's mouth) I forget that she was one of the few Disney Princesses that was actually cool. Suddenly I'm okay with getting her on the which Disney Princess are you quiz I took a long time ago.
...Don't ask why I did... It was an odd situation... Shut up.
Sultan- "Jafar! My most trusted advisor!" lolustupidbro? I mean just look at the guy. Who would trust that? He looks like a freaking [s]Arbok[/s] Kobra all on his own! You don't trust snake people... Jafar was totally in Slytherin. Just saying.
...I had forgotten that Jafar's staff does the mind control thing. I suspect it may be the Millenium Rod.
Only Marik was about 289384 times cooler than Jafar.
And less of a lonely snake.
The bird's name is Iago. How appropriate.
D'aw Raja doesn't want her to go, but still he helps her escape, only to lay down and whimper. No wonder tigers used to be my favorite animal.
Firebreathers REALLY need to wear more than their underwear and a turban. God. Why.. Just, why. I understand it's hot out, but no.
In the scene where Aladdin gets Jasmine out of the jam when she's about to have her arm cut off for stealing (disney propogating yet another baseless stereotype, they don't actually do that, but thanks for playing, Walt) they're both kinda particularly fantastic. Why?
Because Aladdin picks up an Apple, backwards, without looking, WITH HIS TOES. Not only is that not, possible, but its extra not possible the way he does it. So go him.
Secondly just because Jasmine plays along so well, and her pretending the camel was the doctor (the delivery of the line particularly) was both awesome and generally adorable.
Also she pole vaults between buildings on her first try. Who says girls can't do stuff?
They each describe their respective woes about their living conditions- complete opposites of each other- ending in one word, "trapped", and they smile at each other as if they saw eye to eye perfectly, when really that's the LAST thing they should do. They should be arguing about who's life sucks more. This entire scene is bullshit. Argue goddamit, do not romantically fall to each other to a calm woodwind background theme!
...And they begin to kiss.
Just like that.
What the fuck.
They've known each other all of five and a half minutes.
Dayum, Jasmine is easy.
[s]I'm not easy too am I? D:[/s]
TIGERS CAN HUG. I WANT A TIGER HUG.
Tony doesn't count.
"You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you? Whoever has the Gold makes the Rules." I like it. So true.
Enter the magic carpet. Who stalks the monkey. Magic stalkers. Who can fly. Baller. It certainly has an odd way of making friends though. And then it sulks off. Poor guy. Uh, thing. Wait, Aladdin called it a he.
...Can carpets have genetalia?
pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno
Aladdin goes to get the lamp, Apu is a stupid stupid monkey. You stupid monkey. Good on the carpet for trying to stop him. But eh.
I do like how all the jewels in the cave are distractions from his acheiving the key to his wishes- yay mini-metaphors for life. Though it contradicts the earlier supposition about money being the most powerful influence.
Awwyea, magic carpet chase scene a la 1992 3d cg animation. Feelin' it old school, yo.
Also, poor awesomemagic carpet. It finds friends only to have to ferry them through endless infernos and columns of lava. Life is rough, bro. I'd be pretty upset if I was that carpet. Keep on truckin' carpet.
No sooner do I type that than is the carpet trapped under a rock! Nooo! Come back, I love you, Carpet!...sentences I never thought I'd say.
So Aladdin screws everything up, and Carpet saves his ass again. And Apu steals the lamp back. Aladdin does nothing at all, of course. Just falls like a helpless damsel.
Enter Robin Williams.
Oh, no wonder the Carpet is so awesome, he's in with the Genie- they even have a secret handshake. Cool.
I would like to write something about You Ain't Never Had a Friend, but it's too much of a mindfuck.
"In case of emergency, exits are located here here here here here here here here here here here here here ANYWHERE" And while I admire the humour based off of airplane rides as applied to magic carpets, they didn't have airplanes in this time period, so- wait. I guess they didn't really have magic carpets either... damn.
Iago has some fantastic voice mimmicking techniques too. Wow.
So not only minutes after they express how much they hate each other Jafar sees marrying Jasmine as a preferable choice. NO WONDER THE DIVORCE RATE IS SKYROCKETING.
Again with the recurring theme of freedom... Freedom against power, what is true freedom- and then Jafar's just over there, he's the only one not feeling unfree- technically speaking- PINOCHIO. That's it, I'm doing Pinocchio next week, and I swear I will misspell it everytime. Huh, and there's Sebastian from Little Mermaid. Looks like my next two weeks are planned. ...I was in the middle of a thought, wasn't I. Technically speaking Jafar is the oppressor, but then we're back to the same damn theme as Cinderella.
OH.
AND LOOK.
JUST LIKE THE FAIRY GOD MOTHER ALADIN MAGICALLY BECOMES A PRINCE THROUGH THE GENIE.
Moral: Magic is the only way to solve your problems ever.
Correction: Using magic to marry into nobility is the only way to solve all of your problems forever.
...And they turn Apu into an elephant, just like the mice into horses and THIS IS EXACTLY CINDERELLA, JUST GENDERSWAPPED.
Aladdin is officially the princess here. Jasmine is prince charming (she does wear the pants after all, and after the genie's transformation, Aladdin just has some weird gown thing. it all makes sense.)
We even have the overly childish ridiculous kingfigure head to the prince who can't or won't get anything done himself, yet is obssessed with the eventual marriage of their child.
Aladdinrella.
Well, I give Disney credit on their musical numbers still. Prince Ali was less trippy than the last, and yet sufficiently fast paced and over the top, jesus is the genie over the top butwhatdoyouexpectfromhisvoiceactoranyway, and blah blah blah. There was more of a thought there but it's five in the morning, so it's not there anymore.
Iago crashes into something I think at least twice in every scene he appears. He's a medical miracle.
Of course, Jasmine comes in and owns all three of them at once, because she's awesome like that.
That's the main difference between this and Cinderella- in this, Prince Charming, AKA Jasmine actually has decent character.
And the princess is a boy. Whatever.
...And of course, so we have this whole conflict set up between trying to be smooth and coy, and trying to be yourself, and Aladdin was ALREADY owned by her once for doing that, so what does he do? The exact same thing. Probably because his head is still full of sand from the cave.
So he fails, obviously, and the Genie tells him to be himself. What does he do? HE STILL DOESN'T. And this time she goes for it. Because Disney still sucks.
But it's the most famous song from the show, I can't really hate it.
I would like to point out that the magic carpet is still doing all the work.
Also, they flew from India or wherever to Egypt to China (and are going to be back in India) all in one night (all in one three minute song). Holy fuck that Carpet goes crazy fast. I want one. Please.
And again Jasmine is awesome, and tricks him into admitting himself. Go her. And yet, despite that, they still killed the lesson about being himself, because he DIDNT and here it is WORKING OUT ANYWAY
And even after she catches him he STILL doesn't tell the truth because he is the dumbest dumbass that ever... dumbed an... ass.
Also Ikaru shot me during that last line, I'm sure. Don't ask why.
"You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife." If I didn't hate Jafar before, I do now. Though I do grant that at least Disney is putting their sexism on the villain's side this time, so that's an improvement.
Yay, Aladdin broke the Millenium Rod! ...Wait, is that even possible?
"Jafar, my most trusted councelor, plotting against me all this time! How could he..." How many trusted advisors DON'T plot against their lords?
(none)
Further evidence that Jasmine is the guy and Aladin the princess: Fathers of daughters do not encourage them to choose mates. They threaten to kill the mates, have them thrown in jail if not, cut off all contact, forbid the daughter any human contact ever, and ship her to California and force her to never speak to you again.
...I mean what.
Whereas fathers of sons behave as the sultan does: "You finally found one? Yay!"
I do like how Aladdin is rebelling against the Fairy God Mother effect here, acknowledging his own worthlessness without the genie's support. In that sense could Aladdin bes seen as a modern response to the criticisms of Cinderella?
Iago's voice impressions may be fantastic, but his acting sucks.
...Holy crap, horny flamingo, ew.
Jafar gets the lamp, and wishes to becme sultan. Apparently all that's required for this is Jafar stealing the previous Sultan's clothes, and the Genie picking up the palace for no reason in particular.
"Oh sure let's just place the whole palace on this random mountain (MOUNTAIN IN A DESERT) for no reason herpderp"
On the note of stealing the sultan's clothes, apparently the boxers are not sultanry. I guess royalty is like that- only the outside matters, no one really cares what's underneath.
Did I just try to make a metaphor about ruling class' underwear...?
So Jafar makes it in his power to expose Aladdin for what he truly is. As if that's a villanous thing to do. Jasmine is for some reason surprised as if she didn't know? But none of this would have happened if Aladdin had just not been an unintelligent donkey in the first place and told the truth (tragic hero element?). I just don't agree with its exposal (i don't even care if I'm making up words anymore) being through Jafar...
...Wait, did he just get thrown into the Himalayas, or what? He should have frostbite in those clothes already.
So he begins to trudge back, but look! Magic Carpet is randomly here to save the day again! I swear, everyone pulls their weight except Aladdin himself... Freeloader- oh wait, I guess that's his character. Kinda.
And then Jafar is just reduced to a lustful egocentric slimebag, losing any sort of former cunning that may have been established for him. Jasmine plays him like a pipe, because she's just that cool.
"How many times do I have to kill you boy?!" Well, let's see. One for the execution. One for the rotting in prison. One for crushed in the cave of wonders. One for the Himalayas... Let's say five, no, six for good meassure. Six. Almost there, Jafar!
The carpet tries to get the lamp, but... Poor carpet. After all his hardwork and chivalry, he is reduced to a pile of seams...
...I totally forgot through all of my snake references that Jafar turns into one. Herpityderpderp.
...How does Iago even fit in the lamp?
Actually it doesnt matter. Nothing matters anymore. Because the climax is over, everything magically returns to normal! I'm not even exaggerating, things literally just start popping back into place with no reason! It's not like Jafar's magic wore off or anything. He's certainly still well and alive! It's not like Genie is doing it. It's just, happening~
"Quick, wish for something outrageous! Wish for the Nile!"
"Uh... I wish for the Nile."
"NO WAY!!!!"
I lol'd.
So the resolution- the Sultan abolished the law that cause the whole conflict in the first place. Why didn't we do this before? Because culture is sexist. Princes could choose their wedded, but princesses couldn't.
So Jasmine wasn't secretly a prince, but Aladdin itself is actually Disney's version of feminism... Kinda. Ish. Not really. I should probably go to sleep before my thoughts get any less coherent.
