[Poetry/Feedback] The Black November

[Tringus]

The Black November

Remember, remember, the black of November,

The chaotic flames it had brought

Ebony tendrils piercing the night sky,

The raven and his murder, laughing aloft.

We remember that darkest day

When that large, serpentine creature came,

Time and space became astray

And our world we once proud was no longer the same.

When the ghostly dragon shook the world with its cry,

We shrieked and shivered in fear

For we had just realized

The apocalypse was already here.

Remember, remember, the black of November,

The chaotic flames it had brought

The dragon’s roar shattered our glimmer of hope,

And our efforts to stop them was all for naught.

I'll see who can remember what the idea is from, and see if you can see what's going on. This is intended for a poetry class, but I wanted to see what you guys thought of it, see if I needed more work on it, that sort of thing.

[Tartar]

I like it. The wording is very good.

My only real problems, (and nitpicks at that) is that the flow of words is sometimes awkward when reading it in line 3 stanza 2, and line 4 stanza 3. Otherwise, line 4 stanza 2 is worded in a weird way and you may want to rewrite that one. Otherwise, good job on the poem.

And you have dedicated poetry classes O_o *jelousy intensifies*

[Kurotsune]

The Black November

Remember, remember, the black of November, -- A

The chaotic flames it had brought -- B

Ebony tendrils piercing the night sky, -- C

The raven and his murder, laughing aloft. --D

We remember that darkest day --A

When that large, serpentine creature came, --B

Time and space became astray -- A

And our world we once proud was no longer the same. -- B

When the ghostly dragon shook the world with its cry, --A

We shrieked and shivered in fear --B

For we had just realized -- C

The apocalypse was already here. -- B

Remember, remember, the black of November, -- A

The chaotic flames it had brought --B

The dragon’s roar shattered our glimmer of hope, --C

And our efforts to stop them was all for naught. -- B

The problem I have with this is the inconsistent rhyming. I've illustrated this with letters besides each sentence - Usually you'll stick to the ABAB format when you want to rhyme, and I don't personally mind switching it up - I'll personally use a diferent type of rhyming system in each poem, usually doing something like AABB or ABBA or something like that, or even switch up the way each rhyme is laid out between verses, but the issue is consistency. If something is going to rhyme, make it rhyme all the way through* since it otherwise feels like you either didn't put in a lot of effort into the other parts or that you gave up halfway through - It reveals an image of lazy writing and belies lack of premeditation.*

*That's only my opinion/personal taste, though.

[Tartar]

@Kurotsune Honestly, the flow of the meter is good enough (outside of a few specific lines) that I don't actually mind the way he uses rhymes. And his rhymes are pretty consistenton the XAXA form outside of stanza 2 which is ABAB.

If anything, my only problem with the poem is that the story is kinda simple.