[Feedback] Proorismos

[SonOfRed]

Just a feedback page, Say literally anything you like. I wanna know if it's good or not so I know to continue like this or to scrap it.

[Halloween]

'sup. super nice icon you've got.

what does proorismus mean?

I'm gonna get straight into it - when I opened that spoiler cut, all I saw was a giant wall of text. 700 feet tall and made of solid ice, you feel me? like, it literally filled my entire iPod screen, with no new lines at all. absolutely terrifying.

but the first sentence caught me, so i kept reading. And, see, it's good stuff, just buried under formatting you could keep out white walkers with.

it starts out very relatable; I have never gotten broken up with, but I was still like "oh yeah. yeah that feeling. I know that feeling", even though, well, clearly I don't.

It also starts out with some confusing tenses; it's starts in present tense, but then ebbs out in past.

"Next thing I remember was me picking myself up off of the curb. My clothes are disgusting and my breath smells worse than the bar I was just thrown out of, so what better to celebrate my current situation than to through a temper tantrum like a two year old."

Also a real good paragraph, I feel this guy, and I don't even know his name.

The yelling fight is entertaining, but some of the spoken lines needs to start on new lines. It also starts getting a bit repetitive; he yells, he feels feels sorry for himself for yelling, he yells again. I get why he's beating down on himself all the time, but the fic isn't that long; after the first three times, the point has come across.

"then take a seat and I'll tell you a story about love, and you let me know if your petty relationship has anything on what I had"

okay, officially interested in what he has to say, sign me up for story time with homeless ppl. kudos.

"Jesus Christ, I really hope he doesn't drag this along"

present tense again?

A group of snobby frat boy wannabe's named Nathan, Kenneth, and Jay. A clique that had a bunch of snobby girls named Erika, Sam, Lily, Maddie, Taylor, and their gay friend Thomas. I can remember some younger students who would hang out, Frank, Josh, Emily, Jack, and this new girl Meredith. And or course there were the kids who never really fit in any group. A couple of guys, Jake and Drew where their names I believe, and a couple of girls. Lets see, I think their names were Michaela, Diana, and Rebecca. Now of course these weren't all of them, but I think they're all that's important to the story"

i hope to god they won't be, i forgot all of those but hunter as soon as i read them. that's too many names to just dump on me, yo. name them as cliques instead.

"everyone called him Boomer. He became a strong part of our group. The girl who was new my sophomore year, Meredith, her and I would talk about random things and Rebecca would come with us to hang out on the mountain we lived close to. This went on for most of my senior year, but of course with how close I was to some of these girls. I developed feelings beyond friends. Lara of course had a boyfriend and Meredith was talking to a boy named Frank"

you can't expect me to keep track of these people. c'mon.

"I still had feeling for Meredith"

sorry, what? this wasn't mentioned before

"We would hang out and text each other often."

this was confusing for me, since he called the beggar "old fuck" and we don't get a description of him - I imagined an old beggar, but text messaging means he must be in his early 20's at the latest, if this is set in present time.

"I've gotta get back to my apartment!

No end quotation mark there. Also, why? Why in such a hurry he had to run? The ending quite honestly felt a bit forced, and I was a bit let down by the old man's story - it just felt like an enormous dump of names and relations, with no significance, aside from him and Meredith growing closer.

To sum it up - you really really know how to set a scene, and how to make us feel for a character. But I feel like you need to work on your your formatting, and rework the old man's story a bit. Cut out the parts that aren't necessary, make new lines (this is the most important thing, ok?), go back to to the guy broken up with and the beggar at times, describe the beggar's reactions to the story he's telling. And if you're going to have the guy leave and come back, make him leave at a more significant place, make me feel like "nooo don't go!"

Because I do wanna read more of this.

oh one more thing: you hardly have any descriptions at all throughout the whole story. I don't know if this is a stylistic choice or not, but I would have liked the beggar describing Meredith, looks or personality or whatever. Just to give us a sense of why we should be invested in her, if she's gonna be The One.

and this entire comment contains more criticism than phrase. not intentional; it's easy to say that a whole thing is a well-written, but when it comes to picking out details, it's just easier to pick out the bad than the good; if the whole is overall good, then the bad stuff will stand out more, ya get me? sorry, i'm done now.

[SonOfRed]

haha I appreciate the criticism, I knew there where problem I just didn't know where because I'm the wuthor and such. If I try to rewrite this a bit better. Control it better and section it into small simple paragraphs, would you be interested? I'll admit this is a bit rushed. So be descriptive and cut out the long dialogue. I'll work on that and see if I can't get something captivating.

Oh also Proorismos is the greek word for either journey or destination. It's up to the reader to decide really.

Edited March 25, 2016 by SonOfRed

[Halloween]

hells yeah! i mean i'm already invested, ain't i, buried six feet deep in budding alcoholics and homeless people of questionable ages. come at me bro

i could tell it was rushed, haha. Sometimes you just have to get a story out though. just clarifying here, I'm sure u got it, but don't cut it out as much as cut it down.

[Damage]

Hey the story was pretty enjoyable. I was really getting into but the mountain of names being listed all at once sucked me right out. I think you should introduce people as we meet them. I'm all for setting up characters we see later but given the sort of story we're about to hear I don't think it works as well. The beggar's story trails off a bit and I'm guessing that's because he wants to talk to your MC again the next day which is fine. Just since this is their first meeting, how long is this guy going to sit down and listen? A question to ask is if you were listening how long would you sit, given the scenario. Arguably the point the beggar leaves off makes me upset that I don't get to hear whats next and does have me wanting for more.

Just keep in mind when to explain certain details and introduce certain elements. Time and place for everything as they say.