the sad thing is i actually thought it'd work, like i went in there and individually painted all every edge and was all "ok let's fucking do this" and... no
zumi, as saying this would earn me a blank stare where i live, i appreciate that you are one of the few chosen ones that could shudder involuntarily at phrases like "uv mapping", "add a joint", "noisy render" and "shit, it's 2am?"