GreyShadow

Happy 25 birthday me, hope your doing better closer to your actual birthday time later tonight, cuz we both know your impatient ass is gonna log in to check the dev blogs AGAIN. lol 8:48 pm huh guess we’ve always been a night person. It’s the only time we can find any semblance of peace, the main road quiets down a little and assholes aren’t blasting terrible music less than 10 feet from our windows. It’s peaceful, it would be more peaceful without the house being haunted as shit but we make do. Given that our only friends these days are of the video game character variety it’s bound to be another lonely day for us. But stay strong, we may not have friends or a country that wants us to exist at all, but we won’t ever lose who we are, we will fight to the bitter end to hold on to that. I’m sure future me didn’t want to see this end on a bit of a somber note, but you know how we are. Not much to be happy about these days. But we try, gods we try so damned hard to have SOMETHING worth sticking it out for, but truth be told between me and me, I don’t think we’ll ever have that, we don’t really “get” people, and we sure as hell don’t get along with most of them, ever wonder why the animals you relate to the most have such small groups, ravens, bats, snakes. I don’t think we’re really meant to have friends. We lose them every time, perhaps we ARE better off without them. Perhaps not, who’s to say really. Though I don’t think it’s the worst thing to fly solo, it’s a lot harder to get weighed down by the way we are with others, you know what I mean, we take everyone else’s burden and it crushes us but we bear it all the same, we smile that same fake smile and say it’s no big deal and we wanna help, but truthfully we don’t CARE at all, it’s just the right thing to do, what ever that means. We do it because we are so damn scared of losing people again, and now we are alone, we have our family sure but we have so little in common and the age gaps with our siblings leave us feeling even more alone.we can’t relate to most people, growing up with a revolving door of friendships, where nobody wanted to stick by us long enough to really know us. We were the weird kid, the one with a reputation they couldn’t escape, the one who went to psyche wards throughout high school and always came back more fucked up. Through fucking everything the only damn thing we had was our mind, despite the humble nature we try to show we know how damned smart we are. This is the one day I’m sayin it it’s my damn birthday. Use that big brain and come up with something worth living for when you read this again me! If you think long enough you might fall down a rabbit hole you are better off staying away from, so think fast, think smart! And despite the countless flaws in you, don’t EVER fucking change for someone else again. Don’t pretend to be dumber than you are, don’t pretend to feel things you don’t. Gods how many people did I lie to saying I was attracted to them or that I loved them. It makes me wonder if I’m a horrible person for pretending for so long, I can feel love, but NOT sexual attraction. I definitely have loved people, I love my family (even when they drive me crazy) I love reyna she is the sweetest pupper ever! (Even if she is CONVINCED she is in fact a small fuzzy human child) no matter what people expect from us don’t change. Don’t lie to them and yourself. Misery loves company but we don’t have to be the keeping it company forever. We may feel at home in the dark, or at night. But the sun still has value to us too, light is not the enemy. No matter how much it seems that way when daytime is loud and annoying and hot and awful, and people aren’t all bad.  Look for something beautiful when you can, we can’t even see the stars here, it’s true. But we can’t even find stars in places we could never imagine, we just gotta give people a chance, who knows maybe they could looks past our flaws. God knows our personality isn’t the most exciting and bombastic person, we’re a bit introverted, and that’s ok. We need to stop trying to play the role we were given, wether it be the one society expects of us die to what’s in our fucking pants (absurd notion btw) feel how you feel and feel it openly (within reason of course) stop allowing the pain to fester, please your only hurting yourself, I know because once again I’m you, the you that in this moment has thought about it and decided maybe it’s time to write something out, and maybe one day someone will read this and resonate with our words, insane as we may be at times. Of course there’s only one of us and the phrasing of this has really only been to make it way easier on me to write, it’s hard talking to yourself, more so when you know you don’t want to listen!