FeralGator Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 (edited) A feedback topic for my fanfiction, 'The Dwellers'. This will also serve as a character archive for me so I can have a quick reference guide to whom has been introduced and when. Link to the Story: http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=19722 Plot: Stray and wild Pokemon of Reborn try to live in the harsh environment of the city. Some believe it is best to side with humans, while others rebut and fear the idea of being captured by them. The story follows one young Poochyena through his struggles in this world and through the hard choices that come with it. Characters Mightyena Pack (Peridot Ward - introduced in prologue) Killa - female - alpha Derek - male - beta Garret (deceased) Albert - male Percy - male Morrison - male Dahlia (sick) - female Prince - male - pup (Poochyena/brother of Johanna) Johanna - male - pup (Poochyena/brother of Prince) Thorn - male (introduced in chapter 1) Euca - male (introduced in chapter 1) Edited March 7, 2016 by FeralGator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Code: PIRULUK Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Quick errors: Prologue - "Daliah" and "Delilah" both used to refer to the same girl. Ch1 - "Chivalrous" spelled as "Shivelrus" - probably intentional, but just in case. Overall: Interesting. Not a very unique premise, to be honest, but well-executed, Stylistically on-point, good descriptions, especially of combat. Strong characters, good dialogue. My main critique would be that some sentences feel out of place. For instance, “We do not mourn the loss of a mouth, Derek,” she instructed him with a kind of soft intensity. Derek nodded quickly, understanding his alpha before looking back to the beta that now lay dead in the putrid waters. He knew that the alpha was right in what she said. The loss of this Mightyena just meant that it would be easier all around to feed the rest of the pack. The only problem was the relationships he had gained in his time among the ranks. He was a very respected male, often looked to in times of need when food was scarce. In the above paragraph, the last line "He was a very respected male, often looked to in times of need when food was scarce. " feels kind of tacked-on; it doesn't really add on much value to the content being discussed in that section and kind of breaks the flow. All in all, a solid 4.2/5 for now. I look forward to more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeralGator Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Yay thank you for the feedback! I went back to both chapters and fixed the spelling errors (including others I found myself that I didn't notice in the google doc), as well as got rid of that one sentence you pointed out. You were right on it breaking the flow. It also felt unneeded since well... Garret is dead. Not like he's going to be looked to for anything anymore. xD But yus thank you! I find it hard to really come up with a unique premise, so I instead focus on working around that with the characters. I try to add in my own little twisty turns to the plot as well to add some surprise and real uniqueness, but that stuff is usually revealed through time. Soooo yeah. I'm happy that the characters have been able to help draw you in! Is it wrong that I probably love Percy most of all? Like.... he's such a dick but I love him... l'D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeralGator Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Quick little update, the next chapter will be put up tomorrow. I needed a small break for personal reasons, but I'm itching to get back into writing again. So expect a new update! Maybe even two if I can find the time for it!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeralGator Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 Chapter 5 is up! Sorry for the wait. I had personal things get in the way along with desire to simply play Rejuv and not type up the rest of the chapter. lol God I'm lazy. Going to try to get chapter 6 out by tomorrow! Keep a look out for it!! ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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