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Attraction, affection, bonding...

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With all wrong people.


When you are young, enthusiastic, inexperienced, you tend to miss the signs. Hell, there are always signs... From body-language, to facial expressions, to gaze, to voice color, all the way to the realization of trust breaching, fidelity failure and "support" upfront-sabotage backstage. You take your time, you play the "game" (life), you err a lot, you learn a lot. You fall and reawaken, go forward and go on.


Time passes and you are shaping, completing, your awareness and self. You "see" things easier, know what to expect and how to deal with people and situations. You see things coming before they fall upon you. You "read" between the lines, you read the atmosphere, you decode the mood, you divine intentions and so on. But there are chains keeping you down and dooming you to repeat mistakes, again and again. Like hope, a particularly nasty blindfold. Like "poisonous" personal expectations: "I treated X person this way, they should appreciate and respond accordingly", or "Y person implied/promised that one thing, i am burning inside out for the moment of realization". Newsflash; this is the shortest way to fall down and get yourself needlessly bruised and bleeding... Especially whenever you had pure intentions, coupled with genuine feelings.


I've been watching all manner of people, over the years... And i am jealous of their "Indifference", which sometimes reaches legendary ranks, borderline flirting with In-sensitiveness, even. Their cold and ruthless calculation(s). Their tiny, underhanded ulterior motive(s), at times. Their "acting skills"; i mean, their natural talent and inclination towards, not the profession/art, of course! Their readiness to deceive, manipulate, or simply stab you, just because they can, even when they have nothing to gain; while sometimes, they go so far as to even accuse/frame you that you were the one who harmed them, instead (imagine for example, somebody suddenly punching someone hard in a soft spot that won't show any bruises, then slap their own skin lightly to get a tiny red mark and proceed to start howling, calling for help; "he is beating me up, monster!").


I tried to hate; didn't work. I worked hard to stop desiring to treat the "undeserving" well, in high hopes of "changing" such persons. I even abandoned self-pity and needless lament completely, learning to accept the consequences of my conceited approach towards them, or simply stupidity towards myself, instead. I abolished guilt, regret(s), pain. Loss is loss, inefficiency is inefficiency and the tab's on me. Stopped working with the "scapegoat" argument, since a long time ago, too... After all, the sophisticated person bears the responsibility, of handling those who are not; the burden is for the educated ones, apparently. I have no excuse, whatsoever.


I keep encountering toxic people... Finding myself deep in various circles of social circumstances (professional ones, social ones, personal ones etc) and falling constantly in traps; traps that i SEE! Yet, i can't help but like those wrong people, feel bonded with them and try to embrace them, get inside, get me some too, call it whatever... You will tell me; find the "correct" ones, then! Well, guess what? In XX years in a row, i have never found a single "correct" one. I even begun to accuse myself at points, doubt about my own stance, that i am at fault and i deserve all punishment they can get me... Went over that, as well. Besides, i "saw" it clearly... Toxic people, among themselves, ARE "correct"! They are wrongful, only towards "outsiders", "different" (qualities) people. Knowledge yields burden, of course, so all that pressure, simply crushes me. I am a monster of inner endurance, but even i, have my limits. I need to cultivate myself some of their own medicine... How should i breed myself some "Indifference", some "In-sensitiveness"? How to stop myself from being affected and attracted to, people who see me as anything from non-existent, all the way to hostile even, maybe? They don't "betray" me, I betray myself, since i see their true colors... And this is much worse. Because all the wrong people end up becoming "necessary" for me, both to be around and associate with. This is a burden that i no longer have the luxury to afford dragging behind me; because soon, it is bound to crush me completely. The question at stake is a very simple one, really...


"How to perform, where and when almost everybody around you, is either "non-existent"/"transparent"/"intangible", or actively "hostile"?" (In real life matters, obviously, of course; not in the safe space of online places, which are a really refreshing oasis)

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We've all been there at one point or another. I was there in middle school. What I found was that lowering my expectations of people to nil helped- trusting them little and never getting too close even if I liked them for fear that they might betray me at some point. Yet, after all these years, I've come to realize that this was a double-edged sword: my indifference got formed in my formative years, and so even when I should trust my peers I find myself unable to. Thus I no longer recommend this. It's difficult to become sensitized once you turn to indifference.

For some time now, I've been trying to be more genuine around people, and I think I've gotten better at it. However, when I compare my current self to the unguarded innocence of my elementary school years, I realize how much my middle school experience marked me forever. I might be one of the toxic people you spoke of, who never quite make a connection with anyone. It's my belief that truly toxic people don't realize they're toxic themselves...

However, I think treating the undeserving kindly as you have is correct. I have continued doing so too. Helping people who most definitely hate me and would rather see me fail, for instance. I don't know if it's true, but I believe it shows moral superiority. Like most if not all humans, I also like to feel superior. Falling to the undeserving's level would hurt my pride, so I cannot do it. I don't know if you'll share my view in this regard, but I said this so you know people like me exist.


Anyhow, the last food for thought is this. Perhaps it would do you good to examine what you're attracted to in a person, and tweak that so you're attracted to the right sort of person. I used to be attracted to the "cool" people who dressed borderline hoe-like (even if my Christian mom would never allow me to wear clothes like that). I've since changed my view and am now attracted to other nerds like me 😊 And finding a good person among nerds was a much easier task than doing so with the hoes. Dunno if you've already tried this but it's worth trying if you haven't.

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I've had a couple of toxic people in my past, but I never let them get to close due to it being a more "forced" relationship (remember my post about the worst year I've had? well it's related to that). I usually met them due to school or something, but never made contact with them because

a: I remain the dorky type who would only attract those people so they'll make you feel bad

b: I knew their intentions and just didn't want to associate with them


Something I always do it take a bit more of a "cat looking from the tree" approach. scout out the people until you know enough about them. as toxic as they are, they usually won't spend weeks or months hiding themselves just to stab you in the back, and if they do you'll most likely hear something about them before too long

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I haven't exactly encountered many "toxic people" in real life, so I have little experience with this topic and apologize if I sound naive. Based on my experience, I say that you should trust your gut feeling; if you don't feel comfortable with someone based on first impressions, then you shouldn't pursuit any sort of friendship or relationship.

Edited by JoStarNight
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