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OpalWardMusicFan

A ton has happened in a year since I last signed in... Need input and support please.

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Good morning, afternoon, evening, whatever fits the time where you are, readers. My name is Naoto on here, and I am finally able to say what has happened in the year I have been offline. Most of it is decent... One thing is the worst ever pain I wish upon NOBODY in the entire world... 

 

 

The good:

 

I am finally in a safe and stable home environment. I have access to Wi-Fi, two amazing roommates, and 2 loving cats, one of whom is attached to me like a Remoraid to a Mantine.

 

The bad:

 

..... My loving, caring, gentleman, precious Fiance and Soulmate.... passed away on my birthday this year.... June 18th.... Everything is a trigger, I hurt to a point I feel dead inside and I feel totally and utterly alone.... I wish this pain on not one being alive... I can't bare this pain some days so sleep until like 6 pm for me... Therapy does NOTHING, and I've tried several different therapists. None have helped at all. I was unable to attend his funeral in the UK because the people who were going to buy my ticket had a family emergency. I was with him over 16 years.... over half my life.... I'm lost..... I need advice.... Please....

 

 

I feel worthless. None of the friends I have understand and think I obsess over him if I mention him at all.... I am super close to his aunt, but she is retired and I don't want to be too clingy to her.... 

 

What do I do?

 

 

Thanks for any advice or encouragement... 

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Dear Naoto,

 

First and foremost, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have my condolences. When you meet someone who you relate with on a spiritual level and then death comes to take them, I can only imagine that it's so hard to recover from that. This is a grieving period for you; you shouldn't expect to bounce back up so quickly after losing someone so close to your heart. It's unfortunate that no one can understand the pain you feel; it makes you feel so alone in the world, but do not lose heart. As long as you keep him in your heart, he never really dies. He lives on through you. Again, give yourself time to grieve no matter how long it may take, and don't be afraid to reach out to the family if you ever need to. 

 

Again, you have my sincerest apologies, but know that all hope is not lost and that you're not alone, though it may feel like it at times. You're part of a diverse community, and I will personally offer you as much support as I possibly can. I'm still young, but losing someone that close is something that I always fear. Nevertheless, give yourself as much time as you need and most importantly, take care of yourself.

 

~Riku Sakuraba

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2 hours ago, Mysterious Fox Assassin said:

Dear Naoto,

 

First and foremost, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have my condolences. When you meet someone who you relate with on a spiritual level and then death comes to take them, I can only imagine that it's so hard to recover from that. This is a grieving period for you; you shouldn't expect to bounce back up so quickly after losing someone so close to your heart. It's unfortunate that no one can understand the pain you feel; it makes you feel so alone in the world, but do not lose heart. As long as you keep him in your heart, he never really dies. He lives on through you. Again, give yourself time to grieve no matter how long it may take, and don't be afraid to reach out to the family if you ever need to. 

 

Again, you have my sincerest apologies, but know that all hope is not lost and that you're not alone, though it may feel like it at times. You're part of a diverse community, and I will personally offer you as much support as I possibly can. I'm still young, but losing someone that close is something that I always fear. Nevertheless, give yourself as much time as you need and most importantly, take care of yourself.

 

~Riku Sakuraba

 

I try hard, its just so mentally draining and I wish I could have gone to his funeral. I know I will keep my promises to him until I die. I appreciate your words so much. I swear he hugs me sometimes. I know I will love him alone until I die. I am not being dark or pessimistic. I am being honest. Nobody can even come close to how kind he was. I have a feeling my health won't last as my family history has a ton of issues littered in it and I have disabilities and a heart condition. If I PM you anytime, I hope that is okay. You have made me smile. Thank you.

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I wish I could help or at the very least have words of comfort to offer, but unfortunately I'm helpless. I can't even come close to understanding your feelings right now. The closest I've been is trying to imagine my parents gone, or remembering friends on their birthdays, who are no longer in this world.

 

My best, though perhaps unprofessional advice, is to stop trying to get better. The more you try to "suck it up" or try to act normal to cause as little trouble to your friends, the more stress you're harboring within. If your friends are real friends, they shouldn't mind you talking a billion times about your soulmate. They can't understand, thus they ought not judge. Let yourself mourn freely, without thought to your surroundings- maybe one day you'll be able to overcome the tragedy, but I'm not sure since I don't speak from experience or study. If you need a 3rd party who won't mind listening to your venting, though, you know where to find me.

 

Hope that was remotely helpful, and again my condolences.

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Only piece of advice i can come up with, try to think how your fiancee would think or react, for your situation, right now... He would want the best for you, right? He would feel sad and miserable, if he could see you, feel you, correct? This is terrible, indeed, nobody should try to sugarcoat it and actually, nobody couldn't, even if they would attempt that...

 

The types of pain i have experienced about significant other before, are the totally opposite ones (no need to analyze, they were bad, no not only bad, the worst persons somebody could ever hope to meet), so i cannot actually relate... But i had similar symptoms, i couldn't sleep, i was in agony (emotional one) almost constantly, for years and even threw myself in the way of bad, self-destructive habits, which almost drove me to the hospital.

 

Your loss must be the greatest one there is... Yet, once again and especially since you love the person so much, try to live in a manner that wouldn't make said person sad, if he still was around. Find a PURPOSE, in one word. Don't get lost. Get a (emotional) compass. Don't let chaos eat you up and drive you in the middle of nowhere, losing yourself and forgetting all good memories... TREASURE and CHERISH the GOOD MEMORIES! Also, let your cat soothe you... Once upon a time, when i got my first one, i remembered the ex who also had one (cat) and started crying buckets, just like that, out of the blue; my cat started meowing in a very sad manner and started licking my tears to clean them off my face... I immediately stopped, hugged the little critter, kissed its cheek and decided to never make it sad or worried again, alongside me... Animals, especially those sharing a close bond with you, can feel you.

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4 hours ago, Candy said:

I wish I could help or at the very least have words of comfort to offer, but unfortunately I'm helpless. I can't even come close to understanding your feelings right now. The closest I've been is trying to imagine my parents gone, or remembering friends on their birthdays, who are no longer in this world.

 

My best, though perhaps unprofessional advice, is to stop trying to get better. The more you try to "suck it up" or try to act normal to cause as little trouble to your friends, the more stress you're harboring within. If your friends are real friends, they shouldn't mind you talking a billion times about your soulmate. They can't understand, thus they ought not judge. Let yourself mourn freely, without thought to your surroundings- maybe one day you'll be able to overcome the tragedy, but I'm not sure since I don't speak from experience or study. If you need a 3rd party who won't mind listening to your venting, though, you know where to find me.

 

Hope that was remotely helpful, and again my condolences.

If you get a PM from me, I appreciate the listening ear. I wish so much to hear his voice. I may get a spirit box. I haven't been without him until his death from the day I met him, which leaves a hole. We talked audibly for sixteen hours every single day on Skype. Even holidays. 

 

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

Only piece of advice i can come up with, try to think how your fiancee would think or react, for your situation, right now... He would want the best for you, right? He would feel sad and miserable, if he could see you, feel you, correct? This is terrible, indeed, nobody should try to sugarcoat it and actually, nobody couldn't, even if they would attempt that...

 

The types of pain i have experienced about significant other before, are the totally opposite ones (no need to analyze, they were bad, no not only bad, the worst persons somebody could ever hope to meet), so i cannot actually relate... But i had similar symptoms, i couldn't sleep, i was in agony (emotional one) almost constantly, for years and even threw myself in the way of bad, self-destructive habits, which almost drove me to the hospital.

 

Your loss must be the greatest one there is... Yet, once again and especially since you love the person so much, try to live in a manner that wouldn't make said person sad, if he still was around. Find a PURPOSE, in one word. Don't get lost. Get a (emotional) compass. Don't let chaos eat you up and drive you in the middle of nowhere, losing yourself and forgetting all good memories... TREASURE and CHERISH the GOOD MEMORIES! Also, let your cat soothe you... Once upon a time, when i got my first one, i remembered the ex who also had one (cat) and started crying buckets, just like that, out of the blue; my cat started meowing in a very sad manner and started licking my tears to clean them off my face... I immediately stopped, hugged the little critter, kissed its cheek and decided to never make it sad or worried again, alongside me... Animals, especially those sharing a close bond with you, can feel you.

Her name is Noki. I feel her purrs and calm somewhat. I have issues functioning if she is not in my line of sight or I am not home for a long period of time. My friends and roommates, who technically own her, have commented I bonded with her instantly and she sleeps on my feet or against my leg if I am awake. I miss my Fiance to a point where I feel isolated from society as a whole. You understand the pain level. Its like a part of me died with him. I'm so bad off that even the VICAR, aka head of the Church of England, openly prayed for me at his funeral. His aunt emailed me an audio recording of it. 

4 hours ago, Candy said:

I wish I could help or at the very least have words of comfort to offer, but unfortunately I'm helpless. I can't even come close to understanding your feelings right now. The closest I've been is trying to imagine my parents gone, or remembering friends on their birthdays, who are no longer in this world.

 

My best, though perhaps unprofessional advice, is to stop trying to get better. The more you try to "suck it up" or try to act normal to cause as little trouble to your friends, the more stress you're harboring within. If your friends are real friends, they shouldn't mind you talking a billion times about your soulmate. They can't understand, thus they ought not judge. Let yourself mourn freely, without thought to your surroundings- maybe one day you'll be able to overcome the tragedy, but I'm not sure since I don't speak from experience or study. If you need a 3rd party who won't mind listening to your venting, though, you know where to find me.

 

Hope that was remotely helpful, and again my condolences.

 

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So while I can't say I've experienced such a situation myself and I'm certainly much younger than you are, I suppose I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. Seems weird but taking writing as a hobby has made my mind tread into very dark places. And while yes, it is fiction, fiction is merely another form of reality. And in a sadistic way you kill off the things you get attached to and you don't know how many times I get cold feet and want to bring them back. I'm not going to tell you how or when, but you will need to let it go and accept he is gone. It's a truth and no matter how much you wish it, you can't bring back the dead and nothing will be able to replace the times you had with him.

 

You know this and you know what thinking about him is doing to you. The early steps are the worst and I won't lie in saying it's probably miserable. You just have to keep walking forward even with that hole in your heart which doesn't go away. It'll get better, but only if you believe and try to make it better. It's not a fast process either. You already know this stuff though. After all, you are the only one who can get yourself through this as no magic man sitting at a desk will make it all go away. People can help, but only if you are the one pushing for it.

 

And yes, you have my condolences. I just can't tell you what you need to do to move on from this as it's different for everybody.

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16 hours ago, Commander said:

So while I can't say I've experienced such a situation myself and I'm certainly much younger than you are, I suppose I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. Seems weird but taking writing as a hobby has made my mind tread into very dark places. And while yes, it is fiction, fiction is merely another form of reality. And in a sadistic way you kill off the things you get attached to and you don't know how many times I get cold feet and want to bring them back. I'm not going to tell you how or when, but you will need to let it go and accept he is gone. It's a truth and no matter how much you wish it, you can't bring back the dead and nothing will be able to replace the times you had with him.

 

You know this and you know what thinking about him is doing to you. The early steps are the worst and I won't lie in saying it's probably miserable. You just have to keep walking forward even with that hole in your heart which doesn't go away. It'll get better, but only if you believe and try to make it better. It's not a fast process either. You already know this stuff though. After all, you are the only one who can get yourself through this as no magic man sitting at a desk will make it all go away. People can help, but only if you are the one pushing for it.

 

And yes, you have my condolences. I just can't tell you what you need to do to move on from this as it's different for everybody.

Exactly. I know this, but it does not help that I see holiday stuff and that his birthday is 25th of January, so a month after Christmas, when he and his aunt were going to visit me. I feel a bit better today. I know aftershocks will happen for the rest of my life. I have pics of him. They help some and so do the poems he wrote me. I can eventually tell everyone who wishes to know more about his likes and personality.

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I am sorry for your loss and you have my honest condolences, but I think that your current behavior is somewhat masochistic and harmful to yourself. Its as if you are trying to desperately cling to him instead of letting him go. Stop looking at pictures of him and stop reading the poems he wrote to you for a while, because otherwise you will only be tormenting yourself. For now, you need to realize and accept the truth that he is gone. Remember the time you spent with him and the experiences you shared (good and bad) and be grateful for it, but dont get stuck in the past. And stop feeling guilty for things that weren't your fault, like being unable to attend his funeral. (He wasn't there anyways) The problem with depression and sorrow is, that people who are suffering from it always think that they are simply "being honest" when they say that they dont believe they will ever be happy again, despite the fact that its not true. You were probably already suffering from bad depression long before he died, which led you to idealize him and cling to him for strength, making your already weakened mental health overly dependent on him in a pathological way. And now that he is gone you feel lost and cant imagine that you still have a future. But you do. You will be loved again and your life still has meaning, no matter how old you are. True, we all die someday. But first we live. And while there is life, there is hope.

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