My little story, "Destinium".[CW/Feedback]

[Wolfox]

From here on, this thread will serve as the Destinium thread! Each update shall be linked in this post for all to read

I hope you all enjoy the story maybe, just maybe, this can become more than what I tried for it to be.

 

Introductions:

http://pastebin.com/ECgrwJ3H

 

Chapter/Part 1:

http://pastebin.com/pEdZiFFC

again, the links will be posted in THIS post in the thread once they are ready. and I am always happy with feedback and tips on how to improve the story

Edited March 8, 2017 by Wolfox Glace

[HongaarseBeer]

I like it! I think it's quite interesting if I'm being completely honest. I mean, if you put some more backstory in there and a bit more detail (probably a bit more time as in, let time pass slower in the story), it will be even better. Keep it up and don't be afraid to post more  

 

Pro-tip concerning your English: download the 'Grammarly' extension for your browser. This actively checks your spelling, word order, etc, and it will even give explanations to what you did wrong. And of course, you learn from mistakes

[Tartar]

The story seems interesting, and it's obvious that you've thought things through, albeit the references to Avatar may be a bit excessive. 

Like  HongaarseBeer said, proofreading is important before posting anything. Microsoft Word has a built-in spellcheck, but alternatively, Google Docs or OpenOffice which are free also include this feature. 

 

Now onto the story. I had a few gripes with how the main character acted. The story described how he was trained by birth to succeed his father, and his father had incredible confidence in him. Despite all that the prince seemed incredibly unprepared and unknowledgeable about the world and the test before him. He had to be told in exposition key facts that he should already have known. For one who supposedly had all the tools to properly judge the prisoner, he didn't seem to be very smart as he passed his judgement arbitrarily.

 

In addition, I didn't quite understand why he seemed to be so rebellious and against his father's ideals. He was against the war, gave a lenient sentence to the prisoner, committed mutiny before even arriving at the battlefield and was very friendly with the Ice Tribe princess who was supposedly his nation's sworn enemy. It was as if he wasn't educated to hate the Ice tribe like his father at all. He also seemed really spoiled, always asking for his friends and despising the military despite being trained from birth to succeed a militarist nation. He ought to have been trained as a soldier and arbiter, skills he obviously didn't possess. Be careful with saying a character has specific skills and abilities, that are nonexistent in practice.

 

 

Anyway, there are lots of things to work on. But I see the potential for a fun and interesting story there. As you write more and more you will definitely improve, so good luck with your future literary aspirations. 

[Wolfox]

Thanks for the reactions, now for some things about it, he wasn't told to hate the Kingdom of Ice, seeing as he was mainly trained in skill, about looking at his father, the prince is about 10 at that point in time and so it's not strange to miss your friends when you're being send away, and don't forget that he lost his memory when he hit his head, only remembering his name. And yeah, the Main Character is based of of Zuko.

 

and I'll be sure to add some backstory and details next time, this was just kind of a test to how the story could work and I'm happy with any feedback.

[Daniel Blackworth]

The story's quite interesting with the prince being a disappointment to his father, leading to his assignment to the front lines. I feel that the ongoing war will be a major central point for this story due to the Land of Flames being the ruler of most if not all nations. I'm interested to see the development of the main character.

 

Now for the comments, first I'd like to give some corrections for certain mistakes in grammar and/or spelling:

 

finnish to finished
a hour to an hour
dounting to doubting
to 8 years to for 8 years
send to sent
Guard to a guard
arrive alive to return alive or safely
wel to well
has to had
boys to boy's
look to looked
wass to was
and the son to remove 'and'
disapointment to disappointment
happents to happens
frnt to front
heling to holding
Remove . before or at least not...
and to any
guard to guards
brance to branch
then to than
After woods, change to .
forrest to forest
collased to collapsed
infront to in front
bloodloss to blood loss
cariage to carriage
knwoing to knowing
live to life
tat to that

This in arranged in chronological order so simply follow the story.

 

Second, I'd like to comment about the main character. 

 

- It is said that the main character is close to completing his training regimen, so why is he doubting himself in the final test? It feels kind of weird to have the character have these feeling without explaining this.
  -     I'm pretty sure there's a need to justify the disappointment of the king. You should explain why he did not like the decision chosen by the prince.
  -     You should probably give details for the reasons of the prince in wanting to release the lands their nation held. He can't just easily want to do this since he was raised in the said empirical country.
  -     I also think you need to explain why the prince was injured as this seemed too sudden and it didn't really deliver an impact to him.

 

Third, I'd like to say that you should probably add a bit more details in the story. You can describe how the setting looks like, describe how the characters moved and acted, and probably include the thoughts of the character/s.

 

Overall, I'm expecting for a continuation for this story as it reminds me of Avatar: The Last Airbender and how this story will deviate from the latter's story. 

Edited March 7, 2017 by Mr. Divergent