Will Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 ~This thread is dedicated to feedback and discussion about CHROMA. Any questions, critique, or suggestions are very much appreciated and will be answered to the best of my ability.~ CHROMA ~http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=11674~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight_Teutonic Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 What is CHROMA about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 The story revolves a young boy set in a medieval fantasy world setting, who's best/only friend and love interest suddenly vanishes. He then dedicates his life to finding her and returning her home, encountering many strange and new circumstances and people as he goes. Today I posted the introductory piece, but the story will be better started out on my next update with the "Prologue" chapter. Kind of a vague description but I'd like for more of the themes and events to unfold as the story continues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mczipo Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Wheeeeeeeeeeel ;-; I have missed your arts and stuffs friend, am excited to see this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I might throw in an illustration or two with the chapters, but that's only if I can find a way to make it fit in not awkwardly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godot Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I enjoyed the read Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Code: PIRULUK Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Hi! Read your first few bits of Chroma, I won't be using forum format quotes, I'll just be copypasting things and giving critique based on whatever I copy-paste. "Curious, I slowly ascended from my lying position to a weak, unbalanced stand. My back felt damp, as if I was sleeping on dew-coated leaves on a cold autumn’s morning. Below me I could see ripples along the ground, as if I were standing in a shallow puddle that stretched as far as the darkness would let me see." I think you're using the phrase "as if" too often in this case, it kind of breaks the flow. Unless you're going for a specific effect of literary parallelism, it would be better to employ metaphorical comparisons, or a different choice of phrases. For instance, I would write it as "Below I could see ripples along the ground, like it were a shallow puddle, stretching out as far as the boundary of darkness allowed." "too faint to make out at my current position" Grammatical issue here, it should be "From my current position", not "at". "After roughly ten minutes of wandering," Unnecessary and breaks the immersion. In a world described as such, you should have no way of being able to tell the time, so you probably don't want to allude to any form of specific timekeeping. "After a bout of wandering" is how I would begin this segment. "filling the area with a wickedly twisted and growing red aura." My problem here is choice of words. "Aura" is usually not a concrete concept and is generally thought to be unable to be perceived. Perhaps "Tint" or "shade" or even "light" would be better here. "though not by men, but of the beasts whose roars continued to ring around my head." Again, Grammar. It should be "not by men, but by beasts". Also, a comma placed after "beasts" would make the sentence flow slightly better. "I flinched back, slamming my eyes shut and ineffectively blocking my face with my arms." Personal opinion, but I think "ineffectually" would be a better choice of words here than "ineffectively". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Ok, so, after reading your post I went back and made a couple of revisions to the places that were called out. I didn't use some of the exact examples you provided but I did edit the piece with a few of my own bits, like where you mentioned the red aura, I changed it to say "red haze," thinking it conveyed a dirtier, more evil-in-general feel to the situation. Grammar correcting aside, the one part of your feedback I really wanted to address was the last part in where you mentioned my use of the word "ineffectivey." Truth is when I wrote this piece and even now I had a very specific word I wanted to use in that part that I just could not think of. It was meant to be a specific word that called forth how useless and pitiful his attempt to cover himself was. Maybe something along the lines of "hopelessly?" I don't know. I really appreciate the feedback though. I'd be really cool if you could keep that keen eye open in future updates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Code: PIRULUK Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Maybe "futilely"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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