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GS BALL

Need advice. Myself works against myself.

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For quite some time now, i have an inner battle raging on... Heart VS Mind, Feelings VS Logic. I have a ton of experience under my belt, from previous relationships, or rather, interactions with other people, over the years... I regularly employee each and every trick by the book, to deal with others daily, out there; scraps of wisdom from anything outta psychology (for beginners), philosophy, (antiquated) strategy even (!), the latter somehow fitting perfectly in modern life and peaceful times, for a reason ("si vis pacem para bellum")... Yet once again, my own self jeopardizes and destabilizes me.

 

There is that girl, which started approaching me, some time ago. She appeared to be sweet, caring, compassionate, even. I was freshly out of a toxic relationship with another girl and very conveniently, she leaned on me, offered her shoulder and even, extended comfort to me... When i confessed to her that i wanted to get revenge against my ex, she scolded me passionately and went so far as to get me out for a car ride, coupled with a very shocking speech... During which, she masterfully planted "seeds" inside me; seeds of self-doubt, guilt (even though i was literally a victim) and she even asked me something so daring and bold, as "What if we had something going on together, the two of us, instead? Would you still want to harm me?" (looking straight in my eyes, with big, meaningful eyes, full of expression...) Out of the blue, just like that. From that point onward, something stirred inside me and all of my anger and suffering piled up from the previous trash-person, simply transmuted into affection towards her, instead... She always chose sweet songs on the car radio and even sang parts of them with a soft, lulling voice, as if towards me, soothing me (or rather, "hypnotizing" me o_0 ), but also slowly making me fall for her... Especially since the songs, started slowly turning into love and passion ones and we used to almost always, return from work together.

 

And here starts the "war" suddenly, with all vile things that are its hallmark going on throughout its phases, from sabotage, to espionage, to deception, to concealment, to "double agents" going back and forth, to "information" trading sides, especially feeding the other "side" with fake "intel" and testing/measuring their reactions/capacities... Silent co-worker of mine (who rarely even talked to me), started talking to me about her, as if "commenting" for her and "promoting" her to me... "You two seem to fit each other", "come on, go talk to her", "you look so good together" and other fishy/cheesy lines, which obviously alarmed me. I brushed it off and rejected having anything to do with her, trying to discern his motives, intention, or generally "role" in the "story", if you will. Second co-worker, the "fool who pesters everybody" type of person, also comes to me, asking me which girl i like from all those we work with, making rude comments about their body-type in the process and trying to see how i react. I completely foiled his crude, pitiful, obvious attempt, by acting out the "unable to maintain a relationship at this point in my life" person. Long story short, various people in there started embroidering a "web" or something, around me and her. Obvious is obvious, so i employed "evasion" tactics and soft -> hard defense. I closed off myself towards others, stopped sharing info about my personal activities, life outside work, or general affairs etc. Plus, i fed different pieces of info to different people, in order to closely monitor their subsequent co-operation, teamwork and possibly actions (towards me). I acted out the absent-minded, but kept close watch on everybody and everything around them, discreetly... First, they started searching my belongings, my papers, they even opened my bag during break. She herself even, started gossiping about me to the others, that they don't know as many things about me as i do about them, etc. She started asking me personal questions and after some time, other people came to ask about the exact same things, as if to verify/confirm something... Once, she even "camped" her car outside the gym i frequent for workout, because she though i was lying to her and even asked another colleague, about gym instructors in my area (i had the bad idea to unveil that i train in a certain martial art). I like clean and upfront contact, so all this "play agent" game from their part, irritated me, made me a bit scared even and especially so, since they thought i wouldn't get wind of their chit-chat in my absence. All this stupid act, reminded me of a big, ugly prank; besides, been there, done that, years ago, few things are new to me, anymore.

 

I decided to stay the friend type, towards her. Talking about this and that, returning home together, etc. Besides, this was "enough" for me; i enjoyed her company, her voice, her sweet and elegant demeanor, her artistic side. I wouldn't like to "risk" (keyword) anything, or lose "our" (?) moments together. Yet, she started slowly changing into a much sweeter person whenever around me, letting me "lean" on her for each and every problem, listening to me willingly, offering advice and comforting me so tenderly... I started feeling things... But this time round, i was fully prepared for psychological warfare, games of domination, willpower combat... Her signs and her readings, weren't so good as they seemed to be initially, outwards. She still tested me, she didn't trust me exactly like others and most importantly, she never let me get so close to her, as other people, even ones in our common place... After all, i kept inspecting everything and testing everything, including body language signals and reaction to "shocking" lines that i purposefully unleashed. For crying out loud, she never even gave me her mobile number, while she gave it away to pretty much EVERYBODY else! And one day, out of the blue, just like that, appears at workplace with a gorgeous dress, winks at me and after work was done, almost drags me with her... Love song on the radio, sweet voice singing and uncomfortable questions, like "what are you doing this evening"? etc. She even asked me "where do you want me to go with you"? And i started seeing butterflies everywhere... Yet, when she stopped for me to disembark, she asked me "do you want to go with me"? It was so sudden and i was so dizzy, that my mind immediately rejected it as imagination, so i wished her well and rushed outside, slowly closing the door behind me, desperately reaching for clean air... She said nothing and left. Next day, she chose a much more passionate song and actively urged me to "claim what you desire, dare to risk, it is right in front of you"... But this was the breaking point. Fear took me and all my defenses kicked in... I told her the song made me uneasy and gave me goosebumps, that her sweet voice creep me out (even though i was in love with it, even more than her looks) and instead of confessing, i started asking her questions about others, or for the things i overheard her talking with others (during my "absence"). Stupid me, behaved like a policeman interrogating a suspect, or worse, like a stalker, because i asked her things about social media content, trying to confirm my total guesswork, up to that point. But problem is, she replied in a manner which confirmed my suspicions concerning some things, especially the ones having to do with private talks between her and other co-workers... She showed clearly that she was hiding things, testing/digging me together with the others, even refusing having anything to do with common, unimportant matters, that i myself overheard her talking about them with others, before... I mean, since she was actively lying to me for trivial things like those, how could she ever mean something so important, that she had feelings for me? I wished her well and left again.

 

Next day, she was acting the sad person. Her "sadness", lingered for one day only and that was it. But the damage was done, as i said, i got a huge crush. I felt/fell for it, even though i "knew" it was fake. So, i decided to pull off my ace... Indirectly confess to her, through body language. Words can lie, but eyes, body stance etc, never. Words can be used against you or spread to others, body moves not... This would both eliminate my fears of everything being an elaborate prank and invoke her true feelings to show up, towards me... So, after our usual route together, i gently picked up her hand, encircled mine around, weaved my fingers among hers and slightly, softly, pulled it a little towards me; looking straight into her eyes, with warm voice, starting from something generic (such as "i owe you so much for being here for me", "thanks to you i have overcome very painful situations", "you inspire me", "i am so jealous of your personality, i like it so much"), that couldn't be misunderstood for "harassment", if others could hear it (because in my past, i have seen everything)... And guess what? Right before i was about to reveal my true feelings, her body language betrayed her real face and intentions... In her eyes, disgust, in her hands, fear, in her voice, need to flee... She almost hissed "i need to go"... That moment, something broke inside me, even if i knew so much as to expect it, ever since before everything begun. I immediately let her hand free, whispered a soulless, with a voice ready to cry "i know" and quickly left, without turning back. Next day, she asked to transport two more people, because they lived near us as well, even though most of our time together, we had been alone...

 

Logic dictated to do everything in my power, to forget all about her. I went and got it on with another girl, having my fun and all that... Problem is, even during what comes naturally, i was seeing only "that" girl before me, not the one i got it on with... What came naturally was so hot, so passionate, that even though we barely knew each other (yet she was one of those "easy", constantly experimenting, open-minded gals), she was rocked out of her lights, despite being much more experienced than me (in what comes naturally)... But here begins my nightmare... I started crying buckets, needing her more than before doing that, getting sad and emotional, even feeling like my heart was being ripped off of me... I met the "easy" girl again, in hopes that repeating the same mistake, would finally result to something right... But no, the stronger the feelings for my crush... Somehow she learnt of that and she herself did something, with somebody else... But i have long conquered petty aspects of human nature, like jealousy, envy, wrath... For me, there exists only my feeling for her, nothing else for nobody else... I approached her again, trying to talk about my feelings for her "indirectly", but she got "aggressive", "attacked" me, pressed me up against the wall (not literally) and demanded from me to open myself up and "surrender", before her display of power... I got even more afraid of her, especially after what we both did... And tried to lure her open up towards me instead, with indirect accusations about her not being real, not really trusting me like others, hiding stuff from me, etc. She got even angrier and called me a psychopath/sociopath, somebody senseless/insensitive who wants to control everybody else around them... That was the second breaking point. Especially since, she accused me of what she herself was actually doing, all along at that. Truth be said, i never wanted to "control" her, i just wanted to be trusted, be equal and allowed to stand, right next to her...

 

I won't ask for opinions, besides everything is history already... Nor will i ask for "lawyers" and sweet-talkers. What i ask, however, is really simple... I am burning inside, with a feeling that devours me. Not only i cannot leave her behind, but the further away i get from her, the more i ache inside... I know she wasn't (meant) to be mine, even if i had played ball within the strict confines of the circumstances, that she herself engineered, all around me... But how on earth can i rest my case and make peace? I feel being ripped apart; not even the cold logic, the masterful calculations, the immovable defenses i prepared beforehand, the knowledge that liberates, NOTHING seems to work! I, who have advice for this and that, now i am in need of advice... What can i do? I suffer. I have suffered a lot up to now, but this time, it is different... I need the only person i am not allowed to have next to me... This really was my special other, my special someone...

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How to rest your case and make peace? Well, I sincerely have no idea. It will hurt until it stops hurting, I guess. Try to not dwell on it too much and you will eventually be able to move on.

 

Relationships are kinda like roses in the sense that if you want to pick a rose you have to accept that - to some extent - you will be pricked by the thorns and different in the sense that you can live a totally fullfiling life without ever picking any roses. I fully understand the way you acted and I think I see where you are coming from with the way you view relationships. You had just come out of a toxic relationship that damaged your ability to open yourself to others, which made you more susceptible to react the way you did when you noticed that she was doing some fishy things and, at the same time, I'm sure she probably had her own fears and emotional scars that lead her to immediately close off after you questioned her and to do those fishy things in the first place. You were both trying to protect yourselves from harm and ended up doing things you probably weren't proud of - even if neither of you were innocent I can't really fault any of you. It be like that sometimes.

 

I dont agree with the way you view logic and feelings as opposite of each other, as if one had to dominate over the other. You can't just trust people because yes and ignore all redflags because that will only get you in a lot of trouble eventually. At the same time, bottling up your feelings and closing yourself off is very unhealthy and will ultimately lead you to lose your ability to truly connect with other people, to push everyone away regardless of wether they mean to harm you or not (and it's a painful position to be in, we humans need each other). I don't know the way that conversation happened but - even at risk of being incredibly wrong due to my ignorance - I'll say that maybe instead of questioning her you could have been more honest about how it made you feel and framed it more like "hey, there's a thing that has been worrying me. i noticed that x happened and that made me kind of unconfortable because of y and z". 

 

I could be wrong, though. Who knows? I definitely don't.

 

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Disclaimer: do not take relationship advice from me. Pretty bad at it and relations in general.


With that out of the way, consider that this contains in part personal opinions. I know you didn't ask for them, but. You seem like an adult, so I trust you can decide whether you should read it or not. I'm an idiot sometimes, so keep that in mind as well, as I'm able to accidentally anger people without any intention of doing so.

opinion part - skip if not interested

 


"Getting revenge toward an ex" seems to be a bad idea in general to me, but idk the specifics to assess it in your case. I also don't know how much she knew about that relationship when you discussed "getting revenge on your ex" with this girl, but given the rest of your excerpt, I'm not sure it was that much. Because of this, I am uncertain if her 'speech' was part of some sort of master plan concerning planting 'seeds' in your mind, as you stated. It seems possible to me she already had a bit of a thing for you for a short while at that point, in which light her reaction would make sense (but that's speculation on my behalf).

(Also, having this 'seeds'-comment that early in your story could be an indication that your logic and emotions aren't separate, unlike what I think you seem to believe . I don't believe those two are separate in any human, as I thought of myself once to be very logical for a long time. Turns out I wasn't at all, really.
Long things short, don't isolate yourself into thinking you're that different from other people, if that's the case.)

 

Given this, a new relationship at that point in time might indeed not have been a good idea. It seems to me a possibiity that your previous relationship made you a bit paranoid. Such paranoia, which was helpful or even necessary in this toxic relationship, could have made you suspect malice in everything, even in things where there wasn't any. In such a scenario, wouldn't you suspect that you had not quite recovered enough from your previous relationship to start anew?
Then again, idk how bad this relationship was for such a mindset to become the norm. And since I don't have any real experience in a workplace (student, still), I might be completely wrong.
Searching through belongings and the things following would seem very suspicious to me as well, though. However, I'm cannot shake off the possibility that those actions might also be (partially) reaction to your distrusting demeanor (not to be bemeaning, as it makes sense to be distrusting following such an experience, and possible earlier events as well). After all, wouldn't you want to know more about a person you're attracted to? What would you do if that person intentionally misinforms people/reacts distant on any kind of comment relating to you? (Of course, workplace gossip and behaviour likely mix in as well, but no real experience in my case sooo...I can't say anything sensible with certainty on this.)


Based on the entire story, I'm not certain she reacted to your sudden advances because of a 'master plan', because ofbehaviour seemingly completely out of character (as you went from relatively distant and paranoid to suddenly quite expressive. Wouldn't that surprise you as well?) or some other reasons. She might have suspected that your approach was dishonest, given your actions before. Based your story, it might be interesting to evaluate to which extent this is true or not. Correct me if I'm wrong, but people usually dislike having their feelings being played with.

As to your story's conclusion, it might be a possibility that your distrust of everyone might have rubbed of on her, distrusting you in the same way as a result. This could explain some of her actions, and doesn't require her to be a emotional mistress manipulator failing to get through her next target. There's a chance for the latter to be true, but I have my doubts that's the case. That might be my naivity talking, though.
 


opinion part ended -


It'll at least take some time for things to become less tense with this person I think, so pushing the issue with her might not be the right idea. I don't know if you can get counseling, but it might be a good idea to talk with someone who is educated in this field rather than a bunch of people self-studied in the arts of alternative pokemon metagames based of complex field tactics 😉. (If it's possible, of course. Not every country has 'good' mental healthcare.)
I think it is probably a good idea regardless to think about how much your "logical" moves were based on logic. You had endured a heavy emotional ordeal shortly before it after all. Don't make yourself feel like you have to play hardball all the time with people.

Besides, wouldn't the existence of a "single special someone" be rather illogical? If there are over 7 billion people on earth, would it make sense there's only one compatible person for everyone? So take it a little bit easier on yourself.

Anyway, take care.

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Thanks for the replies, people. That about getting "counseling"/"help" though, really rubbed me off on the wrong side, but from what i gather, lots of people lately consider psychologists to be a great asset, especially concerning problems with feelings/relationships, etc.

 

Thankfully, now it's holidays, so i will get some time to relax (hopefully) and get an easy time; or not... I have some time to sit down and think of possible courses of action. The only things i know for certain, is that she is off-limits to me (has been from the beginning, exactly as i perceived), i should stay the hell away from her and cut off anything that has nothing to do with working matters, with everybody in there. I effed up royally and no mistake...

 

Problem is, she "took over" my heart and this drives me to the very limits of my composure and self-control. About self-restraint, i always had a master degree to it; the real issue is the emotional kickback, due to me having to blow up everything with my own stinking hands...

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On 12/22/2018 at 6:01 PM, GS BALL said:

Thanks for the replies, people. That about getting "counseling"/"help" though, really rubbed me off on the wrong side, but from what i gather, lots of people lately consider psychologists to be a great asset, especially concerning problems with feelings/relationships, etc.

 

Thankfully, now it's holidays, so i will get some time to relax (hopefully) and get an easy time; or not... I have some time to sit down and think of possible courses of action. The only things i know for certain, is that she is off-limits to me (has been from the beginning, exactly as i perceived), i should stay the hell away from her and cut off anything that has nothing to do with working matters, with everybody in there. I effed up royally and no mistake...

 

Problem is, she "took over" my heart and this drives me to the very limits of my composure and self-control. About self-restraint, i always had a master degree to it; the real issue is the emotional kickback, due to me having to blow up everything with my own stinking hands...

Eh, counseling seems to have very different connotations depending on the country, so I guess it's understandable you might get annoyed at that. I'm just not sure we're able to help you as well compared to someone with a degree dealing with such situations. It ain't a guarantee that it will help, though, but the odds seem better to me.

 

Just don't be too harsh on yourself. You have a strong bout of infatuation combined with a distrust towards others, and in such circumstances it makes sense to feel like you do. Give the both of you some time apart, and focus on something else if you can, as continuously dwelling over this doesn't seem to me like something that would help this situation. If you're not sure later what to do, you can always post something again.

Happy holidays, dude.

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Damn it all, i really am a mess, this time round it was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me... Everything is staged around the concept, that whatever i do, the outcome is going to be negative, plus it will show that the fault is mine, circumstances regardless. Worst of all, she proved to me that she wasn't that sweet creature, full of grace and elegance, that could grant me my wish, which she herself beckoned to me even, by these exact words: "Do dare to claim what you desire, it is right in front of you!"; that day... I heard the voice deep down whispering that all this was dubious as hell, i saw through the beautiful, brightly-lit face, her voice didn't mesmerize me enough to stop thinking and analyzing...

 

There is nothing for me here... I have to suck it up, destroy everything around the story and force myself to forget and go on... But you see, there is a small problem... I cannot go on without her, at least, not in that place, anymore... Plus, the other girl, turned out to be friends with her and the situation got effed up further... She dyed her hair from blond to black and she relocated, while the girl that led me into this fine mess (the one i love), told her to never meet with me again and cut off ties... This time, i really lost everything and no mistake... She didn't even reply to me, for wishing Merry Christmas and trying to offer an explanation...

 

Not that it really matters... Down the road, i had only Black Anniversaries and Black Holidays to remember; deep down, i knew that not only nothing would, or could change, but actually, over the years, things are going to get only worse, for me... It's just that i cannot take it... This time... She was so special to me, even if fake... I love both of her sides/faces, the one she showed to me, the one she showed to others, the one she really is, the one she introduced to me, in the beginning...

 

I know exactly what i have to do. At least, now i cannot use up the excuse of ignorance, or being in the dark... Besides, i am "the dark" one, in the story. It's just that i really feel being destroyed from within, torn apart, ripped in two, all this heartache, it's almost agony, the pain is searing, excruciating... I really cannot take it, this time... For starters, i quit the damned place, first thing holidays are over... Then relapsing to a good old shut-in session... I need some extended vacation and to be alone for a while... Damn it all...

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Solutions

•Forget the past

•Don't start a drama, it'll backfired. Trust me i'd done it and it backfired so bad

•Never listen to people who planted seeds of doubt in your mind. Trust yourself and your parents (they're experts in relationship. Proof = They were married. Unless your parents have a toxic relationship)

•Just be cool and never listen to gossips about you. Just don't care about it and people will think you're cool

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