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Mysterious Fox Assassin

The Detachment of Riku Sakuraba

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Greetings Reborn community,

 

As you may have judged by the title, I'm not getting much better as time passes by. It's been a fluctuating ebb and flow of emotions, but now, I just feel nothing anymore...Here's why.

 

My current family situation is still a living hell. Granted, it's not at its worst possible stage, and I'm grateful it isn't, but nonetheless, I would prefer it to be over already. I don't exactly have the luxury to go my own dark way as pleasing as it may sound. When the person who manipulated you and practically lied their way into your heart still lives in the house with you, it's hard to settle down in a place that you're supposed to feel the safest. The worst part is my siblings have fallen into the trap, and as much as I disapprove of their...naive and childish ways, they don't understand that he's doing the same that he did to me for my 16 years of living on this earth. I want it to be over, but things never work out in the way that they should, and so I'm slowly detaching myself from the people who call themselves my family. (My mother is the only one whom I can put my trust in as of now.)

 

Three words: Social anxiety disorder aka SAD, which describes me to a T. I've had it (or would it be better to say developed it?) since middle school. I've lost my voice and openness towards society as I was not only being lied to at home but also the people whom I valued as close friends only took advantage of my kindness. Since the slew of bullying incidences, I've dealt with being alone. Fast forwarding a few years, I've grown used to being alone and being my own best friend because all my past experiences with friends have been short-lived or a lie. Even now, I don't fully trust the friendships I make because they never last. Believe me when I say that they never last for a long time. Because of my SAD, I'm constantly pushing my mental bounds wondering where I went wrong with a person starts replying to texts differently or the tone in their voice changes a bit. It's caused me great pain, which is why I am slowly detaching my feelings from relationships. It's more of a protective measure because I know how I will be if I get too attached or too close to someone.

 

Finally, my existence. While I have my existential crises on a daily basis, it makes me wonder what am I actually here for. Sure, I may dream of becoming someone in the influential law profession, but what gives me the hope that I'll actually get that far? I've come to terms that I'm only here to serve that purpose and that's it. Once I do my deeds and try to implement what I want to implement, I'll be purposeless again. I don't plan on getting married at all (because I'm aroace), so that's out of the question. The idea of living with a significant other for so long seems like something out of fantasy; once those passionate emotions of love sour, what are you left with? Pain, sorrow, regret...need I say more? I've detached myself from the idea of marriage or trying to exist beyond the goal I set for myself or whoever put this goal in me.

 

As you can see, a pattern is forming. I'm slowly detaching, and the more I do, the less human I seem to become. I'm aware that trying to hide away my emotions and pretend they aren't there will mentally destroy me, but it doesn't seem like I have any other choice. I rather not go to a therapist where they tell me the things I want to hear and be labeled as "mentally unstable" even if that is what I consider myself. I also rather not talk about my problems to others because they have it worse especially since I've had so much given to me. (No, I'm not rich or born into riches.) In writing, I must etch my sorrows because my voice is gone, my soul dims as time passes on, and my heartbeat is inaudible through the armor and wintery cold I've subjected it to. I'm not sure how I'll get out of this one; I'm convinced that I'll never show my emotions ever again because I've hidden them for so long and detached myself from to the point where I can't even shed tears of sadness anymore. I just lay there lifeless as I internalize it and in turn, it brings me physical pain. 

 

I walk a lonesome path, but one could argue that I chose(or doomed) myself into doing so. I push everyone away for fear of hurting them, them hurting me, and me hurting myself by getting too close, so in order to cope and keep myself drowning into the depths of my despair, I have to detach. It's the only thing I know how to do because everything else I tried didn't work.

 

Sorry for bothering all of y'all with my personal dilemmas, but it is unbearable to keep this stuff in. I'll leave it at this for now, and I'll end with a paraphrase from one of the Reborn gym leaders that sums up what I feel... "I'll see you all in a meaningless tomorrow, wearing another false smile."

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Perhaps a bit weird way to start a reply, but I'd like to let you know that you aren't alone in disregarding marriage. I personally think it's overrated and its value only enforced to us by society that insists on a person having a life-long partner being ideal. It can be romantic, but not very useless imo.

 

On the other stuff, it's too bad that you have a rough time and that you can't find peace of mind inside your home or outside of it. If I'm reading correctly, are you 16? To have so much going on at that age man. I don't think you've found the ideal friend, however, and that's why you see everything as hopeless. Humans are social animals and need to have some degree of social aspect to be healthy (yes, even if you have SAD, for you don't stop being human whether you have a disorder or not). I think my only recommendation, since I don't really have anything else to say, would be to go over those texts which you felt had a change in tone, and learn what it was that caused such change of tone. Even a person with subpar ability to empathize, like me, can learn to read social cues. What works? Stuff like telling someone they're real smart every once and then, asking "what's wrong" when you see an unhappy face, helping people who need help, even calling people by their names sometimes is a good way to build a relationship. What doesn't work? Talking about yourself all the time without listening to the other's stories, selfish acts like choosing something out of a selection of things before someone else, not apologizing when there's a mishap. Those are particular things I learned, and have tried to employ in my day-to-day life. I don't consider myself the master of charisma, but I don't think I'm disliked too much I hope hehe

 

And about worrying whether or not you'll be a lawyer: don't. If you're indeed 16, you still have to finish high school, go to undergrad, go to law school and pass the bar exam (I think?). The profession pretty much chooses you, not the other way around. Don't worry about making a career choice now, everything with due time. Think about that when you're maybe in undergrad, wrestling over grad school options hehe. Right now what you should set your mind on is getting good grades and whatever other stuff that might help you get into a good undergrad 🙂

 

Anyhow, ganbatte. My PMs are open if you want to vent more, but I might not get to them soon since I have to study for an exam rip

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