Addiction of Infatuation

[Lone Wanderer Jordan]

I'm really struggling.

 

A few years ago, I met a girl who I spent the night cuddling with and we really bonded. However young me was naive and stupid, and had no clue how to handle girls. So I came on very strong and she pushed me away.

 

Flash forward to 3 years ago, I meet her again in less than positive circumstances. Her ex was suffering from depression and decided it would be best to end his own life. She herself suffers from depression and anxiety, and this further strained her. But I resolved to try and make up for my past wrongs and be a good friend to her.

 

Unfortunately in the process, I caught feelings for her. Ones that remain no matter who I am with or what happens. However these feelings aren't reciprocated. She wants someone else and sees me only as a friend.

 

I know I need to move on. I know I'm wasting my time and that I need to focus on myself and then the rest will follow. So I put some distance between us. I talk to her less, spend less time trying to make sure she's okay. 

 

But I still really care about her and it's hurting me as I want to protect her and be there for her, but in a way that's more than friends.

 

I deserve better than this, but I can't help but feel that all the compliments about how great I am and how I'm such a caring and nice guy are all for naught, because it doesn't matter where it counts.

[5hift]

My advice would be to completely forget about it.

 

You did good out there helping her out but as for many things in life, you won't always get something out of it.

 

I feel if you really hold this over yourself it could potentially keep you from helping other people out because you will fear that your efforts will go unrewarded so to speak.

 

Doing things to help others builds your personality and who knows, maybe somebody will take notice.

Edited May 23, 2017 by 5hift

[LykosHand]

Well the good thing is that at least you have tried to say your feelings to her, but unfortunately in life often happen to get the opposite of what we think. I advise you at this point to do as she says; to help her staying friends; i guess it's hard for you to accept this thing, but if your feelings are not reciprocal, just keep on staying close to her as a friend, you can always look for another girl (i know between saying it and doing it, it isn't easy at all) with time i'm sure you will find another girl  

[Felicity]

Make a choice and stick to it. You can't dance around her trying to mess with the distance between you, it could hurt her more than just ditching her. Decide if you can be there as a friend or if you have to leave her be, be consistent and reliable.

[ZEL]

Does your medium of communication have an impact on how badly you are affected?
I remember when I was trying to get over the breakup with my ex, I had to distance myself from him physically and refrain from seeing him for a while, because spending time with him in person hurt too much and tempted me to try to get closer to him again. But I managed to get used to texting him just fine; of course it wasn't heartache-free in the beginning, but it was significantly less difficult to handle than being around him.

 

You'll often be much more aware of your physical attraction to a person when you're around them/can see them, so if you're the type to feel bad because you can't have the physical aspects - hugging, cuddling, kissing, all kinds of touches - then text-based conversations may help you.

 

It can also help to set boundaries for your interactions. If you feel like certain urges (like 'being protective') are linked to your attraction to her, then it may be best if you avoid situations in which you think you have to do these things. If you keep ending up in situations where you act in a way that's driven by your romantic feelings, it may only reinforce those feelings.

It is okay for you to say "hey, this is a bit too much for me right now, I don't think I can handle this".

Yes, it can feel to you as if you are a bad friend if you have to tell her 'sorry, this is as far as I can go'. But you have to restrain yourself if you want to succeed.

 

A balanced friendship (or any relationship, really) is equal amounts of taking and giving. Don't offer her things she cannot repay.

Similarly, she should not take advantage of things you're only willing to do out of attraction.

If you think that what she is giving you so far isn't enough to make the friendship fulfilling for you, then you're probably not compatible as friends either.

If she truly values her friendship with you as a person, and not just because of what you want to give her out of your romantic feelings, then she'll understand and hopefully be able to do her part to make sure you can build up the necessary emotional distance.

 

But that's if you're sure you want to keep that contact. If you feel like it would be best for you to stay away from her completely, then I'd fully second what Felix said - make a decision and stick to it, for both of yours' sakes.

 

Edited May 24, 2017 by ZEL

[Busti]

In my personal experience, true love is worth fighting for and will feel right. What you are describing does not "feel right". Also, you seem dubious about whether to fight for it or not. Be careful, as you are setting yourself up for a long and painful path.

 

I won't pretend to know what to do in your situation, because most context cannot be given in the format of this forum. However, based on what you have just given me, I would sever all contact. If you are not OK with just being a friend, you will in part be dealing with her depression, and delaying your own pursuit of happiness. Of course that is the selfish way to approach this, but life is valuable and time is precious.

 

You seem to be made of the right stuff, so the right girl will love you for it. And that will feel right.

 

And I third what Felix said. Make a decision, commit to it. There is no wrong choice here, so decide on what makes YOU happiest.

 

[Lone Wanderer Jordan]

Thanks for all the advice people.

 

I'm still in a dilemma on what I should do as I don't want to just abandon our friendship, but I don't want to have to stand and watch as I am doing my best to look after her and then have all the attention and affection I want from her aimed elsewhere.

 

I'm still keeping my distance at the moment (we don't really get a lot of time to hang out at the moment so we usually talk on messenger, which usually was everyday but has cut down to like once a week now) and it's getting a bit easier but I still have that kind of pang in my heart.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Lone Wanderer Jordan

[5hift]

If it really hurts you to see her be with somebody else then by all means, drop it. It already seems her attention towards you is dwindling.

 

If you keep trying to find love where there isn't any then you'll just end up becoming a stalker and that is the absolute last thing you want your relationship to become.

 

I suggest trying to find somebody else to make up for this loss. Obligatory "There are plenty of fish in the sea." quote.

 

Do keep some standards though. You don't want to be so desperate for love and affection that you end up with somebody who'll just use you.